I thought I'd start a thread to get opinion from y'all on suggested 180s for someone with an avoidant personality in IHS who is actively validating where I can
Part of my personal growth on improving communication and connection can only go so far with a WW who doesn't want to engage and rather spend time on whatsapp chatting to God knows who.
I guess what I'm saying is, DB says pull back and go dark, but alot of that is same old behaviour for me. Initiating conversations or inviting to events seems like pursuing. Even opening up on something vulnerable seems misplaced to me.
180s are changes you want to make are for you not to placate your STBXW. How it affects her shouldn’t matter. You can work on your avoidant attachment style in IC.
I am pretty sure you know who she’s messaging on WhatsApp.
Yeah, that is my point, I'm not interested in placation and sure, I know what she's up to. She doesn't even hide it anymore, even in front the kids. I'll keep it in IC for a future session, right now the focus is just how to survive each day.
My latest 180 is to change style of glasses and grow heavy stubble. I always liked to try, but STBXW hated facial hair. It's great to not worry about anyone caring.
You should never use 180ing as an excuse to break DBing principles.
DB principles say to stop all pressure and pursuit, give your WAS time and space, and to take the focus off of the WAS and onto yourself. Even if you were withdrawn, absent, etc during the marriage doesn't mean you 180 and start pressuring and pursuing post BD.
I struggled with this as well. I had become an absent husband, isolated in the bedroom avoiding my W for several years before BD. Now certainly IF AND WHEN the WAS engages, you take the opportunity to be present, upbeat, pleasant, fulfilled and pleased. But you still should not be the be one to initiate engagement. This is where so many LBSs fail.
A 180 you can make then is to be engaging when the WAS initiates engagement. Otherwise, you adhere to the DB principle mentioned above.
Last edited by SteveLW; 05/26/2212:17 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I'll keep it in IC for a future session, right now the focus is just how to survive each day.
What do you mean survive each day? What are you struggling with right now?
The last few IC over the last few weeks have been about processing the daily rage, and the uncertainty of what she will do, and what I should do. I'm feeling a lot better now I have a solid plan and her anger has reduced. Today I only had to assert my boundary once.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
A 180 you can make then is to be engaging when the WAS initiates engagement. Otherwise, you adhere to the DB principle mentioned above.
This helps. And this is what I do. Kids, clean, own thing, ignore STBXW unless she initiates.
My latest 180 is to change style of glasses and grow heavy stubble. I always liked to try, but STBXW hated facial hair. It's great to not worry about anyone caring.
Maybe others will disagree, and I guess it depends on what your goal is (there's some question about whether you even want to reconcile), but the 180s are typically meant to address personal issues you need to work on that were major issues with your relationship. For example...if you always lashed out or started heated debates, stop that completely.
You want to improve your attraction, so not sure making a style change STBXW specifically hated is the best approach. You don't want to be antagonistic, and I get the sense on this one you're purposefully doing something you know she won't like. Unless you simply don't care and are moving on regardless in which case maybe it doesn't matter.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
get opinion from y'all on suggested 180s for someone with an avoidant personality
Practice your new skills with everyone. Your boss, your kids, your family, people you interact with out in public and your work place. Treat you spouse like a squirrel. When she comes around, you can practice with her as well. Active listening, validating emotions, and enforcing boundaries.
When I google "avoidant personality", definitions are like this "chronic feelings of inadequacy and are highly sensitive to being negatively judged by others. Though they would like to interact with others, they tend to avoid social interaction due to the intense fear of being rejected by others". Is this what you are referring to?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
The GAL and the 180s should be about who you want to be and how you want to live your life. Regardless of what happens, you get to keep the GAL and the 180s. I'm pretty happy these days and I think it is because I chose my GAL and 180s wisely. I recommend taking some time to think of where you want to be if your marriage ends and pursuing that relentlessly because you will get to that place. That's what I did and it worked out well. For me, it also had the effect of prompting the STBXW to move toward D at a glacial pace. So, if you want to delay your D, it definitely helps.
