My Story P5: Saying goodbye to the MLC Madness

[DnJ]

Good Morning Eagle

Congratulations! Sole owner of your new home. How wonderful.

Lately I've been getting a lot of compliments on how good I look. (I’m bragging here, LOL)
Normally I don't pay much attention to that, but I have to admit, it feels good.
The reason is because of course I do a lot of sports since a year and this pays off, but also because I am making progress in processing my own demons and I guess this radiates.

Excellent!

Those compliments do feel good. And you are correct, beauty is not skin deep. Beautiful inside radiates.

I've also been thinking a lot about my past (both with EXH and without EXH), my present and my future. I spend a lot of time in the car for work and I notice that I am negotiating/bargaining a lot with my own thoughts.

So I can get up in the morning, get ready and think about EXH and the past we had together and how I still miss it. In the car I then think about the fact that this past is effectively the past and that I must be happy that I no longer have to be with a person who would never have interested me in the first place in the form of who he is today.

And then I feel genuinely happy. Sincerely happy for what I have in my life today.

Would this be the first stage of acceptance?

Yes. That is what acceptance feels like.

I suspect you can’t quite put your finger on where that feeling comes from. That “I’m sincerely happy” feeling. If you consider it, you feel this happiness by letting go, realizing, and in short accepting the past. Your beliefs influence and create these feelings of happy and joy and contentment.

Feelings are fleeting. Acceptances is not.

Grief is an emotional journey. Acceptance is emotional understanding.

Acceptance’s foundation is one’s convictions. Build well. Strengthen that which serves, craft that which you aspire to, and discard that which doesn’t serve.

When we start out, we all feel believe we cannot do this alone. That misguided belief is unrealized or hidden within our emotions and pain. Feelings that our convictions are reenforcing and influencing. Slowly, we alter our views and values and beliefs; and we feel differently. We accept.

I spend a lot of time in the car for work and I notice that I am negotiating/bargaining a lot with my own thoughts.

I really like this piece. I spend a lot of time commuting as well. Time well spent “talking to myself”. Lol

Re negotiating/bargaining: This is part the stage of grief. Those huge emotions which you discuss with the therapist. One’s journey is multifaceted. We have many items all at different places along the path. Angry over somethings, depressed about others, accepting of some stuff, and bargaining other items. You might even discover a few lingering within the denial stage still.

However, the way you stated this, it’s negotiating with your own thoughts. Not emotions. Thoughts. (This really resonated with me, in case I’m being to subtle. Lol)

Negotiating with your thoughts is how one strengthens, crafts, or discards their beliefs. It’s challenging one’s deeply held view to see if it’s what they want. Does it serve or not.

I’ve walked beside you for a long time Eagle, and I’d place you more organizing your convictions than grief bargaining. An excellent thing. Beliefs than inspire being happy, and you will find joy and peace.

I am sorry about the sons interactions with Dad. S17 is certainly getting dragged into something, and was pumped for information from what you said.

I know it's up to S17 to find his way with his father. I was very angry about the fact that he drove home in a drunken state with his bike (EXH just let him leave like this) but unfortunately I have little influence on what has been said. As this has been going on for several years now, he most probably will be banging his head against a stone wall again and Mom will have to be there to catch him.

Yes, you will have little influence on what has been said.

Read that carefully. And again. What you wrote. “I have little influence on what has been said.”

Little influence is NOT no influence. You have influence! You make a difference!

Be consistent. Be the role model. S17, the twins, all watch and learn. Sure it doesn’t feel like that. And plenty of times teens rebel, ignore, and try to be cool. Or all grown up. Still, they do watch.

So have faith. And gently exert your influence. You have a power that H cannot wield, the power of consistency. You are the strong stable parent. And your influence, just from living your great life, will accumulate and encourage the boys.

I assume it is what it is…EXH still lost in the MLC madness and wants to have control over our lives through S17 who takes the bait at the moment.

Yes, it is what it is.

There are flavours of acceptance. The initial one is a more resigned accepting of things. That makes sense since one just exited depression. In time, as one accepts more and more, so long as long one doesn’t just dig in to that resignation lifestyle, a more inspired acceptance emerges. One becomes eager for thier future. Inspired by that which surrounds them. And firmly grasps their control of their life.

It is what it is, and it is what we make it.

Great post Eagle! You are doing so well.

D