Brave Little Gerda Knows More Now

[Gerda]

Thanks for stopping by, DnJ! You are right about the burden being lifted though the real burden is the divorce process, and that is harder to crack. I have really made huge strides in living a life I want to live, but it will be so amazing when I am not longer burdened in my thoughts and in how I spend my time and energy by this incredibly stupid and pointless never-ending process. There is literally nothing to argue about and he just keeps it going. I have realized that H likes being tied to me. I have offered him so many times so many deals that are not equitable to me and I know he is in debt and really needs money but he digs in. It makes no rational sense and it's actually a lot worse for him financially not to take my offers but I can see now that he wants to stretch this out as long as possible just to be able to exert this power over my life.

It's really sad actually to consider a soul in that much torment. I do consider that when I am being my best self. My other selves are not so charitable but honestly I would never think of the guy except that my children are once again pipelining the events of his world and his restaurant literally five blocks away, all our old customers and staff who knew what he did now successfully won over as customers, though one of them told he is very very weird. But before the kids were seeing him, I really had so much peace. It's a little harder to deal with the reports but I try to find a balance between letting them talk about what's on their minds and in their lives and being a support on the one hand and on the other having some boundaries of my own so I don't have to hear absolutely everything.

Both kids are more confused and unsettled since they renewed contact but my son is less confused. He asks me a lot about personality disorders and it seems clear he sees his father as he is though he does not want to cut off contact entirely. He is still struggling in all the same ways, but with more clarity and self reflection and lately he talks to me a lot if I go on those late night walks with him, and I just feel so lucky that he confides in me so much. Trying to enjoy every minute before he leaves for college, though he doesn't always make the enjoyment come easy!

And yes, he got his license yesterday in fact and immediately asked if I would rent a car for him to drive around with his friends. He still doesn't understand why I keep saying no! I am thinking of finally buying a crappy old car that he won't want to drive much as I do let him use my rental cars a little bit, with me in the car, but even that is totally not allowed and makes me so nervous. Where I live is really a crazy place to drive!

My D is struggling so much more now that she has been seeing H again. So much rage and feelings of self hatred. She is so mean to me pretty much ALL the time, and digging deep for patience is my constant practice, though I don't always succeed. Yesterday she screamed and cried for hours about how he doesn't love her and how she wished he'd never say it because it's a lie, he just leaves her sitting there for 8 hours a day at the restaurant and even disappears at times and when he is there is drinking all day. She became obsessed with getting skinny after all those years of him commenting on her body, and she lost 40 pounds in like 5 months. Trying to get her to eat healthy has turned into trying to ensure she doesn't starve herself but this also carries a huge risk of fighting about food so it's so hard to navigate. I am trying to encourage her to get that confident boundary-building ability back but it will be a lot easier when I am not under the microscope with this horrible judge and can actually encourage my D to do what she needs to do for herself. I feel so bad for her, she has changed so much, but knowing that my S16 slowly came out of it helps me to remember that she will too.

The cabin is great but oh so much work needed there. I have so many electric questions for you! : ) But no time to go through it all right now. I have been working on the next door rehab project and it's now 6 months past the date we though it would be done. My contractor is awesome but only works on weekends and there has been so many interruptions for illness, supply chain, blizzards, etc., so we are STILL not done. But he is very trustworthy and amazing at what he does and it's impossible to find anyone up there so I just try to keep him happy and moving forward. But when it's done it will be great and then I can go back to dealing with my own cabin more. Gotta do something about those carpenter bees this year!

The thing about that is that I decided to start a flip business about 18 months ago, and this actually happened. I did it. Not perfectly, not funded properly, lots of mess, but I did it. I am sure this is the first of many and I really enjoy it. And in my creative work, I am also doing a lot of projects now and feel good about those too. LBS Folks -- START NOW! FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WANT TO DO WITH THE REST OF YOUR LIFE AND START! It actually happens if you start now and if you are willing to do a lot of things at once until finances allow you to weed out the things you don't like. I am not there yet, so I sacrifice too much sleep, but getting closer.

And that's all I have time to post for now.