I finally got the final date when I can move into my new home! As from the beginning of July I am officially the sole owner of a beautiful home and the decorating can begin. I look forward to it.
Lately I've been getting a lot of compliments on how good I look. (I’m bragging here, LOL) Normally I don't pay much attention to that, but I have to admit, it feels good. The reason is because of course I do a lot of sports since a year and this pays off, but also because I am making progress in processing my own demons and I guess this radiates.
It isn't always easy, but luckily the huge emotions are limited to when I'm at the therapist and has little to no effect outside of that.
I've also been thinking a lot about my past (both with EXH and without EXH), my present and my future. I spend a lot of time in the car for work and I notice that I am negotiating/bargaining a lot with my own thoughts.
So I can get up in the morning, get ready and think about EXH and the past we had together and how I still miss it. In the car I then think about the fact that this past is effectively the past and that I must be happy that I no longer have to be with a person who would never have interested me in the first place in the form of who he is today.
And then I feel genuinely happy. Sincerely happy for what I have in my life today.
Would this be the first stage of acceptance?
As you know, our S's had no contact at all with EXH until recently. Twin S14 1 wants absolutely nothing to do with his father and he does not deviate from that today. EXH therefore no longer sends him messages. Twin S14 2 has always replied when his father sent him a message, but has said so far that he is not yet ready for meeting up with his dad in person.
However, S17 has taken the plunge. He is the one who looked up to his father immensely and somehow still believes that his nice personality is still there somewhere, although it is not coming to the surface today. (is his perfect right to believe that, even though it's been causing him a lot of pain in recent years)
This was in response to an email I sent to EXH about S17. I waited a long time and hesitated to do this, but I did. As you know, S17 is having a very hard time in his final year. He rebels (not at home, but at school) and EXH found out about this through some e-mails sent by the school. I have been talking to both son and school for weeks and we are making progress. EXH, however, wanted to talk to me about that situation which I initially brushed off (albeit because, see my previous posts, when he last left he made it clear to the children and me that he didn’t want to be involved in their education anymore as this was too difficult to handle for him…)
But forgiving as we are I sent him an email. Not for him, but for myself and for S17 in which I gave a clear explanation of the facts but where I have emphasized the following: “It's easy to judge It's more difficult to understand. Understanding requires compassion, patience, and a willingness to believe that good hearts sometimes choose poor methods. Through judging, we separate Through understanding, we grow.”
This is because the last few years EXH was just really hard on them about their studies, their grades, and never effectively asked about their personal lives, it was always about performance, performance, performance and judging when not good. (and if it was good no compliments were made)
Short response from EXH the next day: your mail makes sense to me, I'll do something with it.
Hence the question whether S17 wanted to meet. And S17 agreed.
I won't go into too much detail about it but S17 was completely drunk when he got home (very unlikely for you as this is not allowed in your country, relatively possible with us as you can legally drink from 16 years old)
BUT of course absolutely not normal for a father to do this with his oldest son after no contact for 3 months (and ever at that age). Complete manipulation of son, asked about our new home, my current activities, activities of Twins14, has praised him into heaven how good he is and made promises (trying to buy love) which has a huge influence on S17.
I know it's up to S17 to find his way with his father. I was very angry about the fact that he drove home in a drunken state with his bike (EXH just let him leave like this) but unfortunately I have little influence on what has been said. As this has been going on for several years now, he most probably will be banging his head against a stone wall again and Mom will have to be there to catch him.
I assume it is what it is…EXH still lost in the MLC madness and wants to have control over our lives through S17 who takes the bait at the moment.
