Create the life...

[Elbereth]

Hello,

D, I do think I am trying to stand for myself. I think the hard part is that I feel so off balance. But I know I am taking steps and moving forward, and as you have said before, that is a good thing. I am anxious to work deeper on my feelings, but my IC is waiting until I am more settled after my move to really get into things. But having her to talk to has helped.

I’ve been sorting and packing for the move. It’s been bittersweet I must admit. More letting go of dreams. For example, I had collected many magazines about old home ownership and remodeling, and now that my home is gone…I tossed all of them. There are other things, big and small, that I am donating or getting rid of. And it hurts. But without knowing if I will have a home large enough to hold these things, I feel I have to let some of it go. I don’t want to pour all my savings into tons of storage. I worry I will have regrets. So that has been hard for me.

I think STBXH got word that his relatives are coming to help me with the move. He inserted himself in trying to get S19 to help me with the move even though I already hired movers and S19 has finals this week. Oddly, I had already spoken to S19 earlier in the day and found the whole thing confusing, as it was already settled. Guilt maybe?

I also heard that some friends of friends that are aware of the situation and spend time near where he lives interacted with him at a restaurant where casual conversation led to the discovery of the connection. When my friend asked how he seemed/looked, they said he looked really rough, unkept, and heavy. So much for the guy who felt the need to leave me because I wasn’t active enough for him. I personally think he is dealing with a lot of demons….as he should be since he chose to live outside of his integrity and character. Or at least what he claimed to have.

I was reading your thread and the discussions of the changes in personality. I do think I saw those weird changes too. I think for my XH, there is a teen or college aged version of him that is the main one running. I do know that the look in his eyes changed over time. But I also think he is a covert narcissist. When I look back on events in our MR, I see many times where he had no empathy for my feelings or needs. And when I expressed concern or frustrations, he told me I was too sensitive or that my feelings were wrong, or things twisted around to how I selfish to feel the way I felt. He also alienated many people in my life and made it seem like they were not worthy of me, but in reality, I think it was because others recognized his behaviors and he didn’t like that. Whenever I tried to set any boundaries, we would fight and he’d blame me for being selfish or controlling. I started surrendering to his feelings and needs and giving in, even though it hurt, because it felt better than fighting. I started to become used to not being seen, not being able to have boundaries, not being treated with dignity and respect. I became used to feeling shut down and drained. I got used to being resentful. Looking back, I realize that I looked forward to times he worked out of town so that I could get enough sleep, be alone with my thoughts, do what I need to do for my health and well-being, and start to feel like myself again. Even though I still feel that I loved him, or the him I fell in love with, in the end, he is the type of person that will suck the life out of you and then blame you for trying to set limits. It’s only a matter of time before his current relationship falls apart.

So in short, I do think there is a MLC crises at play as well as I think he is a covert narcissist. In some ways, this realization allows me to move on with no hope of standing for him or the MR. It is knowledge that also helps me to stand for myself. But with the way my MR was, and how I lost myself, I think I am trying to rebuild myself most of all. I have no idea of what I want or where I should go…because for so long I put the family before myself. And having my feelings invalidated for so long, I struggle to even recognize them for what they can tell me. I believed some of the things he told me, and I think I have some of my own baggage from how I was raised to work through as well. I’m trying to get to the point that I am excited about the growth and my future, but I’m still in the feeling overwhelmed stage. I’m hoping that once the move is done and I get a job or income that I’ll feel a bit more on my feet.

Thanks for listening and for the support.

El