I'm Back after 1st DB (4)

[BL42]

toughtimes180,

Why feel terrible? She is a crazy WAW/WW who is writing bullshit cards to tug on your heart strings while she’s simultaneously smashing your marriage and family onto the rocks.

Agreed. That card was BS and I would've been offended receiving it. Don't set up some manipulation attempt to get her to react, but also don't lose sleep worrying about her reaction to it either.

If you keep the card, get emotional and tell her how much you love her and having a family with her - she thinks you’re weak, knows you’re a backup plan, and so is encouraged to continue with a no-consequence divorce -monkey branching 101.

If you bin the card, she tells her friends and family you’re an unemotional, rude [censored] - and they validate her that she’s doing the right thing because she shouldn’t have to live with someone like that.

See the theme here - IT DOESNT MATTER WHAT YOU DO, you’re wrong in her eyes, and she’ll twist it to justify what she is doing.

So why keep trying to be right when you know you’re only ever going to be wrong?

Better to put that energy into you, than into an impossible task.

^This is spot on. So many times the LBS is in a lose-lose situation. No matter what they do, the WS/WAS thinks they acted wrong and are awful. The only way for the LBS to win is not play the game.

ATM, she's ghosting me (which is nice), and is organising family events without me and D2 (I look after D2 while D1 and S have times with her)

If you can switch to a normal parenting schedule this melts away entirely. You go do things with all the children, or she goes and does things with all the children, no coordination.

I agree with Traveler. You and STBXW working out a defined plan on kid coverage would help a great deal. If you D, going forward it's going to be your time with the kids and her time with the kids. Not a mix of switching between them. There may be an occasional situation where one of you takes one kids to a specific event and the other covers, but that'll be an exception. You two really need to work out a custody plan. Having that will avoid confusion and also allow you to GAL.

When we go down the path of a parenting plan, I'm prepared for disappointment because of the age of D2.

Can you clarify what you mean here?

Now she's purposely ignoring me and organising events with S and D1, or D2 and D1, but not all three (too much effort IMHO).

That's not going to work moving forward. In terms of the kids it'll be all or nothing.

It does seem that since we both agree on D, and she's making an effort to exclude me, that I don't factor her into anything.

That's going to happen. That's what a D is.

But let me do it with just the kids, and not her.

Yep, think it's best to assume things are going to be that way moving forward.

She's still trying to pick fights to the point where D1 says "I never said that, you are exaggerating Mom."

I'm confused. A 1yo said that?

I'm so thrilled to get back in touch with old friends, and to GAL like 300% more than where I was two months ago.

Great!

We are about to announce S to the kids, and I have no clue how they will respond.

Would you clarify exactly how many kids you have and what their ages are? Maybe I'm confused but if they're 1yo and 2yos there's likely no much reaction or a big emotional conversation that would happen with kids much older. Have you read resources on handling this conversation with kids their age?