Wolfman, I'm sorry that things feel so out of kilter for you now and it is difficult to discern the path that would be best. A couple of things from your post really stood out for me. The first--I would not want to date a man that would put me before his children (and definitely not one who asked me to put him above mine). But also I would not want to date a man who keeps a list of the order he puts people in. Love and support are not an ordinal position. As you said, you give what you can to those who matter in your life. Sometimes this person needs more of our time, sometimes that one does. While time is finite, love is infinite.
This is starting to look like lots of decisions (maybe unnecessary and/or at least ones that don't need to be made now) and lots of walking on eggshells. Not a way to live. How about since the current way is not working (what would you call this one anyway--trying to hold all the sand as it slips through your fingers?), you try a new one. One that looks like this: Wolman, how do you want to show up in your own life? Are you confident enough to decide that for yourself? Are you strong enough to fight for that guy (and let go of the fear that does not serve you? ) Can you be your own compass? I find this helpful because it is not a reflection of where we are now (which we may not like) but it helps us start walking toward the path we want to be on so that we can actually get there. It is aspirational, the best of us.
I found that when I started down this path (and not one that you need ever explain to anyone else), things tended to sort themselves out). The people I wanted with me followed right along with me (and celebrated the ease and happiness they saw in me). We have easier relationships, more open ones. Some of the people I struggled to have in my life I decided to let go of and I lost one person who needed me to behave a certain way for her to be ok (one that was contrary to how I want to show up in my life) so I was ok with the loss of her and wish her nothing but the best.
When we take out of our lives a "plan" and we let things happen organically, we lose that white-knuckle feeling (that things are not where they are supposed to be). When we let other people decide if they want to be a part of our life as we authentically show up, it becomes easier to let go of them if they chose not to and embrace them if they do. Some people are just not "want" matches with us. They never will be, no matter how hard we try to force it. Either they can't meet us where we are or they resent us for having to try to.
I disagree on the counseling. But I will tell you I have a pretty negative bias against it now (except for folks with mental health issues). Everyone I know who went to relationship counseling is out of the relationship and the money they spent on it. There are so many great resources to be had (books, podcasts, seminars, etc.) that anyone who truly wants to dial into them can access them--just as we all found this site through Michele's books. I never looked for this stuff when I needed it, now its my favorite reading. New things to aspire to, more things about myself I'd like to improve.
You truly cannot change other people unless they want to change (so it is really them changing themselves); but if you so desire, you can change almost anything about yourself. Just like eating an elephant, you take it one bite at a time.
