Yes, there is a part of me that would love to stay in R. But another part of me says this is out of fear, and she can't give me what I need, so why should I? I'm aware that change can be infectious, I change, maybe it will put a thought in her head. So I'm trying to stay brave, outwardly accept D is inevitable, but with a small hope. In the current state, D is best. IF (that is a big if), she stopped some of her behaviours, came to me about reconciliation, I'd be open. And actually, her current state of cold interactions, mixed with small talk, is actually refreshing. But I don't want to cling to that hope. What I do know, and what I want in the future, is an intimate relationship based on respect, whomever that will be. That much I'm clear on.
The other aspect is trying to figure out what 180 means, and what I am to do. Taking the advice from everyone here, it seems to be focus on what I want to change, not what she wants to change. This is the hard part for me, and IC helps. I can say that physical exercise really helps to lift the mood.
What makes it all hard, is the background noise of sorting out D. She's now moved from anger to sweet emails about the path forward. It'll be interesting, because most of what she proposes does work for me. The view on finances I dont, and she'll be getting the "I need to get legal advice before I reply". I get it, I'm not to care about her reaction. I'm just finding it all very draining.
