I'm Back after 1st DB (4)

[SteveLW]

Almost all LBSs go through the second guessing of DBing. "I was distant in the marriage, so me being distant after BD isn't going to work." That simply isn't true. First, BD is about the WAS asking for time and space. All you are doing is giving it to them. Secondly, pressure and pursuit never work. I don't care what the dynamic was pre-BD. Once a WAS wants out, not backing off and giving them time and space is akin to pushing them out the door.

But what I am really confused about is your goal here. You've stated you want the D. Then I read a statement like you made about distance in the marriage meaning DBing is more the same.

toughtimes180, you need to decide what it is YOU want. There is nothing wrong with wanting to save your marriage. Even when there are PAs and EAs and BDs. In fact, very few LBSs come to this forum saying "I found this forum and I want to D my WAS!" Most come here hoping to save their marriage. The questions is, do you want to save it? If so, what does that look like? Obviously going back to the status quo won't work so that can't be your answer. IC for you and her. MC for both of you. Complete transparency from her (where she is, who she is going with, who will be there, no passwords you do not know on her phone, computer, social media, etc). If that is your goal then DB your butt off and let her get their on her own, where she is ready to stay and agree to your requirements for R.

If your answer is truly that you want to D her, then that is okay too. But you seem to not know that answer yourself, despite typing the words that you want a D.