Buddy, don’t take this the wrong way… I say this in kindness (hence my user name), although it may come across harsh. You are just like me when the freight train of BD smashed into my life, and because I see a lot of you in me, I want to help!
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So STBXW found the card in the bin when taking some cardboard out. She fished it out, and as luck would have it, I was literally out the door with baby for a walk. She asked me if I read it. I said yes. She threw it on the ground and walked away.
Now I feel terrible. I feel she needs an explanation. In some sense, because I have been distant in our M, DBing feels like more of the same. I recall it worked with BD1, but with BD2, it certainly is not.
Why feel terrible? She is a crazy WAW/WW who is writing bullshit cards to tug on your heart strings while she’s simultaneously smashing your marriage and family onto the rocks.
You know WHY she sent that card? She sent it for two very clear reasons.
1. To make herself feel better about what she is doing (discussion in her head - “I wrote a nice card, so I must be a nice person, so this divorce can’t be my fault, it’s just that we’re both better off apart. Great, that must mean I can bang AP without guilt”)
2. It’s a temp check to see if she’s still got you as a backup plan. “If I can see this card affects him and makes him soppy/regretful, then I know I can plough ahead with divorce and if it all goes pear-shaped I can change my mind at any minute. Phew, I guess that means him being super attached puppy dog to me actually makes the decision to divorce much easier.”
This is the crap that they tell themselves in their head.
She needs NO explanation why the card went in the bin. What she is really feeling (and what’s pissing her off) is that you are not responding like she wants you to (she can’t control you), and she’s having to face the consequences of her actions.
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Not in a good state of mind ATM.
Why? This is incredibly weak (and unattractive) behaviour. Are you going to let this person’s shitty behaviour control your mood?
If my ex is happy, or sad, or angry because of HER decisions, I’m not going to let her feelings drag me down. Not my job to fix her problems.
You need to totally disconnect how you feel from how she behaves, what she says or does. The problem here is that you have completely tied your feelings of self worth and happiness and mood as to whether she is happy or not.
Let her have her little pity party about the card. And go on living your awesome life and being a great Dad.
She does her. You do you. And nothing in between. The sooner you join those dots, the better off you’ll be.
