I'm Back after 1st DB (4)

[Traveler]

I didn't engage, nor go back and forth. I'm just pointing out the current mood.

Getting to what the court deems fair without heated conversations can be as simple as BL42 is saying--negotiate in writing, sit 1-3 days on proposals, and pass proposals by your attorney.

Yeah, thanks. I feel I'm just overwhelmed with the idea of not having control.

Yes, if you choose to be a primary parent you have to come to terms with 50% control. If you opt out with D2 (as you planned), you have to come to terms with STBXW calling more shots and following her lead. If you trust her enough to put her in that role, trust her choices.

I don't mind, so long as it's in writing, In writing is key, otherwise I see wriggle room.

Write as much as you can down, but you will still hopefully be flexible when it involves the best interests of your kids. It's not flexibility or chaos. Last week I took an extra custody day because my D was stressed about an AP exam and I'm a subject matter expert. My ex's night went from challenging to easy. My night went from a date to studying. It was best for my D.

It's the "oh weather is good, let's all go to the beach" or "I'll pick up the kids from school for some afternoon fun, then return them go you", or "the cousins are at grandmas, come over". That is what I object to. These are things she actually said to me two weeks ago. Of course there is value in shared family time, but it feels to me she wants life as it is now, but just that I live somewhere down the road.

You can write all the agreements in the world and you'll still have to get comfortable with receiving incoming requests and saying yes or no to them. These would be my default replies--

"Oh weather is good, let's all go to the beach. <she has custody>" -> "Thank you--I have plans."
"I'll pick up the kids from school for some afternoon fun, then return them to you." -> "No--this is my custody day."
"The cousins are at grandma's, come over. <I have custody>" -> "Thank you--we have plans."