PeterB,
Originally Posted by PeterB
Recall that I have a boundary that I refuse to hear things that I recognize are putting me down and things that are of no benefit to me. What she said fit both criteria, so I told her to excuse me from that discussion and that she was better off discussing with her support system.
Well done! That's a perfect boundary enforcement. You're right...not reason to put up with that.

Originally Posted by PeterB
And the above reaction was all she needed. She blew up and started screaming.
Very predictable response. Little children often lash out and have temper tantrums when things don't their way. You have to train them to learn this is not acceptable behavior...as you did here.

Originally Posted by PeterB
I tried to remove myself physically, but she chased me down continuously (like she would do in the past during our R). At one point she shouted - "I am very smart, and I know what you know". Then she followed it up by cursing me for making her unhappy and "letting me go". And she shouted that I am trying to run away from blame and now blaming her for the D. She was unleashing self-righteous anger at me.
You should seriously consider audio or video recording these interactions. Ask your L what your local laws are on this. Many states, mine included, have "one party consent" laws meaning as long as you're part of the exchange you're legally allowed to record it. If W is lashing out verbally abusive or physically chasing you down that's a major red flag. Don't allow things to escalate and take on a potential domestic abuse charge (valid or not) which could do major damage to your standing in the house/kids, job, reputation...etc. Start recording, walk away calmly, make it clear you're not threatening in any way.

Originally Posted by PeterB
I hadn't spoken a word after she blew up.
Great control. Good job. Way to keep your cool.

Originally Posted by PeterB
So, what has happened is that "she knows I know". Things have been back to our strange normal since (including sex) and she has been blowing mostly positive.
Do you still want to have sex with her, knowing she's having an affair? Is it just physical pleasure, or are you hoping to win her back that way or stick it to OM? As others mentioned be careful about STDs.

Originally Posted by PeterB
The point that begs action at this time is that if she truly knows that I know about her A then I think it is time to talk to her about it.
I agree with Traveler, Ready2Change, and SteveLW. Fewer words; strong action.

Originally Posted by PeterB
Otherwise, she might take me for granted and her disrespect will grow.
Ummm...sorry man but she's already having an affair. You can't be much more disrespectful to someone than that.

[quote=PeterB]Should I be verbose and explain to her I'd like her to confess?
Definitely do not be verbose. You don't want to have an hour long discussion about her affair, and asking her to confess, and pleading for her to stop. I made that mistake as have many others here.

LH19's post was fantastic by the way. Go back and read that a dozen times.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21