Thanks LH19 & SteveLW. So an important development.
She has been fishing around using words to figure out if I know about her A. She has been doing it for a month and I did not bite. But she is no fool. She also knows only too well that I am analytical, and can piece things together so that is another reason she thinks I know (she has let slip several things and she realizes that). And she is right of course.
So, a few days ago she started a conversation and then said something 'good' about a significant early phase of our R. In reality she was putting me down hard in a subtle way to achieve two goals. 1st was that she was revising that phase to bolster the narrative that she is a better fit with her AP. 2nd was to get a reaction from me which would confirm her suspicions that I know about her A. Recall that I have a boundary that I refuse to hear things that I recognize are putting me down and things that are of no benefit to me. What she said fit both criteria, so I told her to excuse me from that discussion and that she was better off discussing with her support system.
And the above reaction was all she needed. She blew up and started screaming. I tried to remove myself physically, but she chased me down continuously (like she would do in the past during our R). At one point she shouted - "I am very smart, and I know what you know". Then she followed it up by cursing me for making her unhappy and "letting me go". And she shouted that I am trying to run away from blame and now blaming her for the D. She was unleashing self-righteous anger at me.
I hadn't spoken a word after she blew up. It was easy for me to figure out that she had no remorse for her A. Otoh she was more outraged that I found out and that now I might blame her. The reality in front of her across the last 4 months is that I have accepted whole heartedly my share of the responsibility for her unhappiness (I will never accept any responsibility whatsoever for her A). But she denied my acceptance & apologies and went off on a long tirade.
So, what has happened is that "she knows I know". Things have been back to our strange normal since (including sex) and she has been blowing mostly positive. She is confused - I think she is trying to understand if we can rebuild MR and at the same time wants to make her post-D life work with her AP. It is quite convenient for her to do some mechanical things for me and keep me in the game. She does not know that I am preparing my mind for D. She does not know that I have detached myself from her A and not letting it affect me - although I will use this ultimate act of disrespect to guide my future actions.
The point that begs action at this time is that if she truly knows that I know about her A then I think it is time to talk to her about it. Otherwise, she might take me for granted and her disrespect will grow. In her mind she would be like, is this guy so desperate that he tries to sweep things under the rug? What do the veterans feel about this? Is my thinking correct? If yes, how should I broach the topic with her? Should I be verbose and explain to her I'd like her to confess? Any rules to follow while discussing such a precarious topic.
