Feels like failure again

[BL42]

Bunches,

Sorry you're in this painful situation, but glad you're back here posting, as there are plenty of people who want to help.

Our schedules these days are so opposite and she is full time school while working nights at a hospital.

My wife works nights and I work days.

My W is a nurse and with recent travel contracts

So this interesting to me, and a major issue IMO. Not only are you on opposite schedules and barely see each other, but she works as a nurse in a hospital surrounded by plenty of male coworkers often times in high pressure situations, which provides plenty of temptation/opportunity. Perhaps my own situation biases me, but I've heard plenty of similar stories at the hospital...almost to the point it's a red flag going forward.

So married 4.5 years. 6 kids (1 mine / 5 hers).

5 kids you're helping to raise? Sounds like she's bringing plenty of baggage to the table.

My son lived with me his whole life until last April when we had a house fire and he had to move to stay with his mom because hotel living wasn’t conducive to low functioning autism.

Are you still living in a hotel? What are you doing to get back time with your son? Also, special needs children often cause a lot of stress on the parents' relationship and I've read can lead to divorce in higher percentages.

She’s been distancing herself more and more this past 6 months but I confronted her recently and said I needed some answers.

Were you giving her space? Confrontations and pressure are typically frowned upon here.

She wrote a three page letter explaining she’s lost all attraction for me and feels awful about if but is tired of feeling like the bad guy 75% of the time and she’s created avoidance rather than feeling awkward around me.

Did you respond? If so, how?

I’ve joined a gym, going regularly again and mens small group again at church.

Awesome!

Says I’m an amazing dad and literally tells me there’s a million great things about me but it’s obvious she perceives me as weak.

Sounds like she's trying to make it easier to hurt you by saying all the other great things about you.

Difficulty is we live far from my friends and family so I hav little to no support network and without my son around I feel so alone now.

That is difficult. Family and friends are often great support systems.

We used to be mad about each other and loved to be around each other all the time but the more time passes we find we have so little in common. I’ve taken in more of what she enjoys for years. We’ve gone camping, hiking, kayaking even though I had always been a more in doors guy.

Sounds potentially like you weren't honest about your wants and needs? It's important to express those.

I’ve signed up for marriage counseling in the 17th, trying to take the lead on organizing.

Does she want this? If she's not willing or interested, it's usually said here not to do it. If that's the case perhaps use the time/money for IC instead?

We had talked some months ago about taking a trip for us at the end of May but today I got a message from her that she doesn’t want to be anywhere together for days since it will just feel like staring at each other for days and it would be awkward.

Why don't you go on a trip yourself? Something fun that YOU want to go see or do!

I’m not sure about my previous changes. She has referred to me as too codependent so maybe it’s that’s I’m too focused on her and not enough on myself and being on my own at times.

Okay. So take that as truth. STOP doing anything for her. Unless is has to do with the kids - let her figure everything out on her own. This would be a 180 for you.

I agree w/Valeska...what have you done to address it?

So my son is another story. He’s 13 now about to be 14 and last year before our home fire she was pushing me to let him go live with his mom who was pushing to change custody arrangements at that time. I was pushing back until a night weeks before when my spouse admitted to a long term issue abusing pain meds. I decided I might need to consider it seeing how unstable things were at home and I had no idea. Then the house burned and we had no safe dove for him. Crammed our big family into hotels for months and then a too small apartment past that.

How did the house burn down? Your W was pushing you to not live with your son? I personally think you should focus on your son and make sure you're doing what's right for him. Sounds like he's been pushed aside and his life shaken up with all this disruption.


Bunches - You've written a lot of concerning things about your current W...severe depression, chronic hip pains, early menopause, two affairs, long term pain med abuse, you're helping to raise her 5 kids (one of whom doesn't speak to her) and yet she's pushing your own son out of the picture.

Honest question...what result are you hoping for here?