R2C likes to say "Never stop DBing!" I agree with him. You DB with her for the rest of your life. Not to save the marriage (since that is now beyond all of that), but to have a friendly, polite R with her but still keep her at arms length.
Hi Steve, I really wanted to talk to you and LH. I know I can be brutally honest with you two. She is not a stranger Steve, she is the person that threw me away as H and partner and destroyed all we had built together as a family to start a new life where the only thing that was not working for her (me) was not present. Trust me, I am an angel to strangers, I can spend 15 minutes talking to the lady that I buy bread from, but this woman took her wedding ring and threw it at my face in front of our children at home in munich. If I am polite to her, it will be fake and for the sake of my children and yes consider it done.
I am not sure if you can understand me but I am starting to think that yes I had many issues, some of them I have already fixed, but I was not the useless partner she had me thinking I was. There was value in our family, our children and our plans to buy a house, and she is acting as if it is something that never happened and to be forgotten.
Pack, completely understandable. I have a good friend that was left by his 1st wife. She cheated on him several times in their short marriage. She then accused of him of things that were not true. Really dragged him through the mud. Then when they divorced, their sizable debt was divided evenly. Unfortunately, creditors are under no legal obligation to abide by a divorce settlement. So when she could not pay her half (she was completely broke without him), they came after him. He sent the creditors copies of the divorce settlement. They referred his accounts to collection agencies. He was in his early 20s, $30k in debt with little or nothing to show for it. A divorcee, whose name and been dragged through the mud and accused of horrible things he had not done.
He was completely ignoring and rude to his Ex from that point forward. Anytime they ran into each other he bee-lined the other direction. He refused her calls and any communications. He wanted nothing to do with her ever again.
And I completely supported him for that. But there was one big difference. They didn't have kids. So cutting all ties was a no-brainer and a no problem for him at all.
Your situation is different. I get that you are beyond hurt. I completely understand why you feel no need to even acknowledge her. But as others have said your kids are watching. Their mom is still their mom. No one here is suggesting you be friendly like you are with the bread maker and other strangers. Just that you are polite.
I'd also suggest discussing this with a good IC.
Pack, you have made huge strides in your time here. I know you've had a long, difficult road. But you've put in the work and moved yourself forward. You've got this!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
