Wedding Anniversary in a few days. I'm preparing to be reminded. Can't recall who suggested this, but my line will be: "Oh really, I hadn't really thought about it". And then walk away.
Josh do not stress about it. I am not going to lie it will be awkward. Just stick to these principals: ~No gifts cards etc. ~No passive aggressive comments "Oh really, I hadn't really thought about it" works but remember it's all in the delivery.
Try to be out of the house for the entire day if possible.
I’m not in Australia, but in my mediation, we had a mediator, but my ex and I each had our own attorney on the outside that we consulted with between sessions.
You want her to have her own attorney when the time comes, someone who can tell her what is and isn’t reasonable. Basically their job was to let us know what a judge would probably decide if we went to court. If her expectations are unreasonable they will let her know.
Meanwhile, stop negotiating with her. Just say “I’ll discuss this with my attorney”. She’s trying to bully you into giving her everything she wants.
I’m not in Australia, but in my mediation, we had a mediator, but my ex and I each had our own attorney on the outside that we consulted with between sessions.
You want her to have her own attorney when the time comes, someone who can tell her what is and isn’t reasonable. Basically their job was to let us know what a judge would probably decide if we went to court. If her expectations are unreasonable they will let her know.
Meanwhile, stop negotiating with her. Just say “I’ll discuss this with my attorney”. She’s trying to bully you into giving her everything she wants.
I think there are those kinds of mediations as well. Mostly I've seen don't have lawyers, some even forbid it. There are some run by trained family lawyers, but don't know if they give legal advice, or say anything if one party is completely unrealistic.
I might consider this option if things don't go anywhere.
I know where I stand. I paid for an asset assessment which makes a recommendation based on historical family law cases. And what that showed was aligned with what L said.
I want a D, it's not a case of reconsidering other than a longing that if she could change . . . But she doesn't, she made that clear when she left couples counselling. I know I'll be happier in the long run.
Being confused about what you want is normal. I vacillated between "I am going to go file tomorrow!" and "I cannot live without her as my W!", and everything in between those two extremes. And it is quite normal to especially feel those extremes in IHS. "Today she was almost normal again, maybe she is changing!" Lots of false hope and starts that can cause us to trip up. Remember what I said yesterday about being 10% good at DBing and 90% horrible at it? My W had a lot of power over that initially. But the better I got at it and swung towards the 90% good and 10% horrible, the more even I became. And the effect on her was profound.
So what I am reading is you want a D UNLESS she changes. Which is what most of us end up in despite the thrashing at the beginning of the situation. Now the real question is, how long can you wait for the change? 3 months? 6 months? A year. One of the best things I did in my IHS was set a drop-dead date. I set mine at 1 year from BD. If by that date she wasn't fully recommitted back to the marriage then I would go file for D myself. I highly encourage you to do the same. Most of the experts I consulted on this suggested at least 1 year from BD. Though most said 2 was probably too long.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yeah, I'm down today. She emailed me a scathing 2 page emotional rant about how I'm greedy, don't respect her contribution, and more. Then she's demanding a parenting plan with flexibility. Essentially no negotiation. It's sad, I'm going to have to sit on this knowing we're going to have to go to mediation. I talked to L again, and he made it clear she doesn't understand.
It certainly validates what I've felt during the marriage, no compromise.
This is called "pushing your buttons". The way you respond is to take the button away. This is where emotional detachment is pure gold. I like the "sit on this" plan. NO RESPONSE. She expected you to react. Anger, bitterness, sadness, begging. Anything. By just simply no responding to it you are taking the button away.
When the time is right then:
Originally Posted by toughtimes180
Originally Posted by kml
I’m not in Australia, but in my mediation, we had a mediator, but my ex and I each had our own attorney on the outside that we consulted with between sessions.
You want her to have her own attorney when the time comes, someone who can tell her what is and isn’t reasonable. Basically their job was to let us know what a judge would probably decide if we went to court. If her expectations are unreasonable they will let her know.
Meanwhile, stop negotiating with her. Just say “I’ll discuss this with my attorney”. She’s trying to bully you into giving her everything she wants.
I think there are those kinds of mediations as well. Mostly I've seen don't have lawyers, some even forbid it. There are some run by trained family lawyers, but don't know if they give legal advice, or say anything if one party is completely unrealistic.
I might consider this option if things don't go anywhere.
I know where I stand. I paid for an asset assessment which makes a recommendation based on historical family law cases. And what that showed was aligned with what L said.
kml is right on here. Your response: "I might consider this option if things don't go anywhere." Huh? I think the rant written in the third person (yeah that isn't crazy) is 'things not going anywhere!" ScottB just went through mediation. His now ExW used mediation to still try to get everything she wanted, just like kml says here. I cannot imagine a mediation that forbids letting you get your own legal advice. That is nutso crazy town. I wouldn't agree to that kind of mediation if I were you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It's sad that in the conversations there is literally no compromise, not even much detail. It's like she's just bullying to make a point of being right, then leaving it vague for any future manoeuvring. I'm offering different things, but the replies are some twisted guilt trip about what is best for the family. I'm going to think carefully on my response, and will post it here. But if there is no compromise, I'll suggest we must do mediation.
Good luck. Mediation will require compromise to be successful. Any good mediator will end the mediation the minute they detect that one side isn't coming to mediate in good faith. If you are as sure as you seem that she won't be open to compromise, why even bother with the mediation?
Originally Posted by toughtimes180
Btw, in Au, mediation generally doesn't involve lawyers, but they may suggest that you consult one beforehand. I already talked to one today.
Foregoing mediation will force her to get a lawyer. Then her lawyer will start letting her no that there is no such thing as "no compromise". Either that or she'll refuse to get her own lawyer and then she will be hosed.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
The lawyers were not directly involved in the mediation - just sounding boards for us in between sessions. Helps because they can let you know what’s a good deal and what isn’t.
The lawyers were not directly involved in the mediation - just sounding boards for us in between sessions. Helps because they can let you know what’s a good deal and what isn’t.
that's how I used my lawyer also. Ultimately though you have to make decisions which are right for you and your family long term, regardless of what others, even professionals, may suggest.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I'm totally upbeat today, and she's avoiding me like the plague.
Welcome to the wonderful world of IHS. The good news is years from now you won't even really remember it.
Something to look forward to! LH19, your advice and support is always gold.
Wedding Anniversary in a few days. I'm preparing to be reminded. Can't recall who suggested this, but my line will be: "Oh really, I hadn't really thought about it". And then walk away.
Don’t know where she is mentally but be prepared for her ACTUALLY forgetting about it. Like LH said it’s in the delivery. My XW basically forgot/neglected my birthday which was less than two months after we got married. Anniversary wasn’t mentioned at all by either one of us.
Last edited by Mumin; 05/11/2203:35 PM.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Thanks all. The thing about saying I'll discuss with my L is that she actually hasn't written down anything concrete other than saying, in a ranting way, I'm doing you a favor to split the house this way. And I don't disagree much about that, just the percentage is high. I was going to reply to ask her to put everything on paper, or I will show everything on paper as to what I want. But that might get her incensed even more and essentially show my hand.
Another option might be to validate, then just say when you are ready to negotiate, write down a proposal and let's take it from there.
