I'm Back after 1st DB (3)

[Josh71]

BL42, this is a good summary of what you all said and your points are actually the things I need to remember. Thank you so much.

You are 100%, I know my life will be better after. For the first time in my life, I have no doubt about what I want, and my initial reaction, hours after BD is telling. I said to myself, she did me a service, and I'm finally free. I've already felt the positive improvement in these short tremulous weeks.

You have refreshed my mood for today, thank you.

[Josh71]

STBXW is asking again about going in vacation. Not that it matters now, but should I ask how long the EA has been going on? Or is it too late, and let it be. It could be a knee jerk reaction, post BD, but I can't help but think it's been going on for a while now.

[LH19]

STBXW is asking again about going in vacation. Not that it matters now, but should I ask how long the EA has been going on?

What are you trying to accomplish by asking this question?

Or is it too late, and let it be.

Too late for what?

It could be a knee jerk reaction, post BD, but I can't help but think it's been going on for a while now.

Probably has. What changes if its been a year versus a day?

[BL42]

STBXW is asking again about going in vacation.

Can you explain this? She's asking about going on vacation with you, or getting you to watch the kids so she can go without you (and you expect meeting up with EA partner)? If it's the latter you're likely to feel like trying to block her from going away. But to our comments about control you're not going to be able to stop her forever. She will find a way. Sorry.

Not that it matters now, but should I ask how long the EA has been going on?

Don't ask. She's likely deny it, and even if she admits to it she'll lie about the extent of it.

I can't help but think it's been going on for a while now.

Almost certainly.

What do you know about it? Does it factor in legally or is Australia no fault?

[Mumin]

Dont ask.
IF you dont have anything planned let her go. You cant control her.

Id say something like:
"Sure, I have nothing planned those day. If we agree on a rolling schedule around the kids you wont need to ask me anymore."

That is unless you have laws around Right of first refusal.

[Josh71]

The question was out of curiosity, because it bothers me she was so quick to ask for me to look at the kids and gocon vacation. And it bothers me that it could have been the catalyst for BD. Yeah, bad idea to ask, it doesn't matter now. It would just make her feel guilty and more resentful to me.

But then I've thought about getting back in touch with an old flame who probably would be up for it. So I'll let it go.

Right now I have to focus on sorting out IHS parenting plan. Things are too loose atm.

[Traveler]

STBXW is asking again about going in vacation. Not that it matters now, but should I ask how long the EA has been going on?

TT180, what's *your* purpose? It's hard to imagine a good reason for asking her this.

Is her being about to sleep with him making you rethink leaving? You could still make a stronger shift towards, "I don't want a D, but I won't stand in your way!", assessing and 180'ing your problem behaviors, and validating her frustrations. You have been writing for years about the toxicity of this relationship--it's also fine to let go.

What would be self-defeating would be trying to stop her.

I *would* reconsider your view that it's harmful for D2 to do overnights with you in light of this upcoming trip. I'm going to assume she's not bringing D2 with her and leaving her overnight care to you or her parents.

[LH19]

And it bothers me that it could have been the catalyst for BD.

Just a symptom Josh.

[Josh71]

STBXW is asking again about going in vacation. Not that it matters now, but should I ask how long the EA has been going on?

TT180, what's *your* purpose? It's hard to imagine a good reason for asking her this.

Is her being about to sleep with him making you rethink leaving? You could still make a stronger shift towards, "I don't want a D, but I won't stand in your way!", assessing and 180'ing your problem behaviors, and validating her frustrations. You have been writing for years about the toxicity of this relationship--it's also fine to let go.

What would be self-defeating would be trying to stop her.

I *would* reconsider your view that it's harmful for D2 to do overnights with you in light of this upcoming trip. I'm going to assume she's not bringing D2 with her and leaving her overnight care to you or her parents.

I want a D, it's not a case of reconsidering other than a longing that if she could change . . . But she doesn't, she made that clear when she left couples counselling. I know I'll be happier in the long run. I don't want to stop her, that is not my intent. It's just me ruminating on the sitch. When I frame the trip as getting extra time with kids and D2, it's a win/win. I'm still trying to sort out my work schedule to make it work. Remember, she will be away while we are still in the family home. So D2 will be safe in the environment she knows.

The D2 custody issue is still on my mind. The house won't be sold for months and we haven't sorted that out yet. It will probably have to go to mediation because she so far has refused to be clear on that will look like. She wants flexibility on weekends, and is avoiding the detail on where kids will sleep. I understand the POV here on D2 custody, I'm just torn on the disruption to her and what is best for her, not me. She will effectively be forced to sleep in TWO different houses. I need time to think about it.

After the blow up, we are continuing the email conversation on finances, but with my line of questions, she certainly realizes her reality of what that will look like isn't coming close to what I'm proposing. I'm not going to be pushed over any more by her, and while I am willing to negotiate, I'm not willing to give up a large chunk of what I'm legally entitled to just because she feels its fair.

[Valeska19]

The question was out of curiosity, because it bothers me she was so quick to ask for me to look at the kids and gocon vacation. And it bothers me that it could have been the catalyst for BD. Yeah, bad idea to ask, it doesn't matter now. It would just make her feel guilty and more resentful to me.

I'm pretty sure it's the fact that it would give her time with an AP versus her pushing the kids off on you that is bothering you.

It's important to recognize what we are really upset about so we can set our perspective. You can look at is an opportunity for her continue on with the affair.. or an opportunity for YOU to spend more time with you kids. Your children are not pawns... They will remember who fought for them when they are older.