But I have come to believe more and more that a cheater who carries on a long-term affair is abusing their spouse and revealing a character defect that is not compatible with a good marriage. It's the act of lying repeatedly to your spouse, directly or through omission, making a fool of them, that to me is the dealbreaker. Even worse when they gaslight the innocent spouse, as so many do, into thinking it is somehow their fault. The ONLY person whose fault the cheating is, is the cheater. People who are unhappy can do the right thing and get divorced first, then date.
I've never been cheated on, and I get we never know our true boundaries until that happens, but I agree I don't see all affairs as dealbreakers. 1) I didn't consider my XW to be "cheating" when she slept with others after we moved out and I announced my intentions to divorce. 2) I wouldn't consider sleeping with others cheating in an open relationship, 3) I think I could forgive a one-time affair if the outcome wasn't super predictable based on the circumstances they entered into.
