I had lots of partners in the early years of my life, but when I was "with" someone either in an exclusive dating situation, living with, or being married to them, I was monogamous to them. I just know that I have the capability of having lots of lovers again just for the physical release.
Okay, so the emotional component won't be there. I recongnize that is a very powerful force in the boudoir that can add more to the experiance. The lack of that emotional attachment can be very problematic, especially for women. Many need to have the emotional before they can find satisfaction with the physical. I don't have the option of emotional right now, but I would, if I so choose, go with the physical for now. I have not as of yet...my choice, though it is really hard to continue to say no to those that are interested....Thank Gawd I know that I am still a desireable woman thanks to these offers. My H has shot down my feminity and sexuality so often it has been hard to remember that I can draw men to me if I just work it a little...
Mo, you at least have a H that wants to have an emotional attachment with you. Mine has not been either emotional of physical for many years, I'm starving for the slightest bit of attention and I know how capable I am for doing the bed hopping again, just to get some of my physical needs addressed.
I'm detaching more and more as time goes on from him, hope for recognition that there was even a marriage between us at one point is dissolving into nothingness. But it is still hard. I have needs that have not been addressed for so long, I won't know how I'm going to react when something does happen. Just might dissolve into tears for all that I've missed from a H that rejected me. That's why the reference to the Kleenex.
Just an echo here, from another horribly HDW who's bloodwork disproves common theory that testosterone must be off the charts.... Many times, it's been suggested my T must be high-- not just in regard to sex drive, but also based on being a pretty aggressive business woman. But the bloodwork shows normal.
In my M, I was monogomous-- but was well able to appreciate other men. Post D, I had to go through the thought process of whether I could be emotionally and sexually involved with more than once man, and I ended up deciding yes. The basis was that there is not a commitment involved. I'd be very slow to make a commitment but once I did, I would not cheat.
Since my partners have been very few, I wondered if this would turn out to be a problem for me-- but to my surprise and delight, it was just fine. Not sure it would still be okay for me, if the timeframes were more condensed-- I don't think I could avoid cold feet about having sex with more than one man the same day, that might be cross the line of my comfort zone....
But anyway, it's not just the testosterone. It might be a factor, but as I sit smiling quietly in a meeting, doing kegels almost to the point of no return-- all you see is a feminine looking person, making notes in her planner.
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time, and annoys the pig.
Quote: Post D, I had to go through the thought process of whether I could be emotionally and sexually involved with more than once man, and I ended up deciding yes
I think it's great that you and Johanna feel this way. More power to you ladies. Down with the double-standard!
Rationally, I could talk myself into believing I could do this. I don't have any moral qualms. I'm just not made that way. If I am available and I like a guy well enough to sleep with him, I will instantly become monogamous and give him every opportunity to be my long term mate. I have never cheated on or broken up with a guy because another guy came along and in fact typically take a long hiatus with no sex in between men.
I know this sounds like emotional-fusion but I think it's different more primal,less neurotic. For instance, I can be very jealous. If my H and some woman seem to be flirting with each other, I wouldn't get mad at my H and I wouldn't feel hurt or rejected by him. I would just have a very strong drive to protect my "turf". I would probably put my arm around him and maybe flaunt my breasts and give the other woman a civilized sort of "beat it b*tch" look. Five minutes later I could be having a very pleasant conversation with the same woman.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I've moved the discussion by the HD women's club over to HD v LD
This is my last journal entry on this board. I'll be maintaining a private journal, and I'm moving back over to the KLA (keeping love alive) forum because I've found those CDs to be very helpful as are all Michele's books that I have. The most helpful other book I've read is Willard Harley's His Needs, Her Needs, which reinforces what Michele says about sex as an emotional, not just a physical, need. His Needs, Her Needs, is also the only relationship book I've ever been able to get my husband to read.
Some of the most helpful concepts in bringing about the positive changes in our marriage came from Michele (TSSM and other books and CDs). 1. Think back to when things were better and identify what was different then (of course, some things that are different we wouldn't want to change such as having kids). 2. If at first you don't succeed, try something different. 3. Just do it 4. Don't let feelings dictate your actions--in other words, feelings often follow behavior if you take the initiative to act. 5. More of what works, less of what doesn't work. 6. Focus on the positives instead of the negatives.
I'm also grateful to Michele for explaining the research on desire and arousal patterns and the connection, too, between emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy.
I'm very grateful to the HD husbands on this board, who through expressing their feelings, gave me a look at what my husband, who never talks about feelings, may have been experiencing and feeling by my careless rejection of his advances and desire for me. Thank you especially to Tim, SuperDave (you may have changed your username, but you'll always be Super to me), AntlerDave, Scott, Chocolateeyes, and all the rest of you. And, if you haven't expressed the hurt and rejection you feel to your wife and you believe that she loves you, please give it a try. No matter how bad things were between my husband and me, deep down I truly love him and it would have cut to the quick to know that he felt unloved. In a way, that's what happened after he read His Needs, Her Needs, and said that he didn't feel that any of his needs were being met (he's not a complainer, so I eventually had to take what he said as his actual perception). Even though I didn't change immediately on the day he told me that in an email, it eventually led me to the path I've been on these last few weeks.
I also have to give an enormous amount of credit to my husband who's also been changing in efforts to meet my needs (Harley's book helped him because it gave him some concrete, rather than abstract, ideas to work with). I'd forgotten just how affectionate and romantic he used to be, but he's showing me every day now.
A few months ago, I wrote my husband a letter explaining why I would probably move into my own apartment once all the kids left home. The letter wasn't a threat as in "do this or I'll leave"; it just expressed what seemed to be inevitable. That letter and the events that led to it are what piqued my interest when I read an article by Michele on walkaway wives. What is most ironic is that I always thought that it was my husband who would have to do the changing before anything improved. Instead, once I started changing using Michele's techniques and concepts, he started changing; and I am falling in love with him again and even looking forward to our youngest son going away to college in a few years so that I can start traveling with my husband on the numerous trips he has to take as a project engineer (construction). Living in an unfinished house undergoing remodeling surprisingly doesn't even bother me anymore; but he's been setting up appointments with realtors lately to look at new, completely finished, houses (believe it or not, I'm now the one who's saying that perhaps it would be better to stay put because I love the historic area we live in and its "walkability" and that maybe we could just hire contractors to build an addition and remodel the kitchen).
Good luck to all of you; and may you all achieve passionate marriages.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Will Rogers
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. C. S. Lewis
((((((OE))))))) Good luck on the quest! And thanks for your input and insights here. Stop by once and while and check up on us and let us know how you're doing.
Scott
"Satisfaction is not guaranteed." Rule #19 Ferengi "Rules of Acquistition"
Hi Eyesopened, Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings... the way you have been able to turn around your marriage makes me feel hopeful for us all. Wishing you continued happiness, Journey
