I’m doing my best to avoid being the person who goes around spreading ugly truths.
That is a wise course of action.
Originally Posted by Elbereth
I’m sure from the outside others think that I am over here pining for him, but the truth is this experience put me into crises. It’s shattered my world and my sense of self.
I was shattered too. My world blown apart. And I felt like a little invisible boy.
You have a rare blessing. A gift many many people will never experience, nor realize how valuable this can truly be.
You get to rebuild yourself. Examine each piece of you, your world, your beliefs, before reassembling. Consider how that piece serves, who it serves. Discard those pieces that need discarding. Build with only the best. Take the needed time to do it well. Build a strong foundation. It is such a golden opportunity.
Originally Posted by Elbereth
Should I be DBing and out there acting like I’ve moved on and like I’m strong? Or is that only a good thing to do if you want your WAS back?
The advice and suggestions are for you. Regardless if you want your WAS back or not, regardless if they come back or not, it is always a good thing to live fully and be strong.
Should you be DBing and out there acting like you’ve moved on and like you’re strong? How about keep moving forward. You don’t need to decide if you’ve moved on or not, just keep moving forward.
DBing has many benefits beyond reconciliation. The primary benefit is us. The lessons we learn, the growth and experiences we gain, the wisdom and altering of our world view, is amazing. Truly, reconciliation is a bonus.
Acting as if, is a necessary technique while starting out and finding our way. Eventually, although it does take a conscious purposefully effort, one comes to: Do or do not. The acting or emulating does become our behaviour. It becomes no longer acting and becomes ingrained living. Sincere and authentic.
As we let go our errant spouse, our initial reasons for standing come into question and become somewhat moot. We all started out standing for our spouse and our marriage. We let go of that, so what do we stand for? Stand for you.
Standing is the default initial position. We are so hurt that standing just happens. It’s why we find ourselves here. As we heal, and let go, we realize we “can” stand down. That is when standing really starts; when we are strong enough to stand down.
Stand for you. Your values. Your beliefs. Stand for you. Utilize DB techniques and keep gaining and healing. This part of the journey is where you and your spouse’s paths diverge, and you stand for you. You find your strength, and realize you are visible and heard - since you live it.
Maybe paths converge later, maybe they don’t. Even if your paths do meet and mingle again, you may not reconcile. For the moment, you don’t want him and never see that changing. That might just be true. Or…, well the future is unknown. I do agree he has a lot of healing to do before you should or would even consider such a thing.
For what it’s worth, keep standing and DBing, just got to shift the focus a bit. Focus on you. Stand for you.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
