Create the life...

[Elbereth]

Thank you everyone. It feels like a big hug to have you there for me, even if it’s not in real life…it is still powerful and important. Thank you for that, and for walking on this journey with me.

My SIL is coming to help with my move. I am grateful and she is amazing, but a part of me is a bit nervous about spending this much time with her…in the sense that I am afraid of sharing too much or saying things that might get in the way of maintaining a relationship post D. I believe my STBXHs family loves me and they do not understand why he did what he did. And I’m doing my best to avoid being the person who goes around spreading ugly truths. But sometimes, when I get worked up inside, I find my mouth just keeps going to try to release the pain or pressure I am feeling…or to try to help others understand so that I feel heard and seen.

I’m just so tired. I was very sad yesterday because the whole day had gone by and I did not hear from my SS’s for Mother’s Day. Finally, late in the evening I heard from one of them. The other one I heard from this am, but it was just an update, as if he had no idea of what the day was. Which could be the case…so I’m trying to accept that. But, I spent the whole day yesterday feeling sad and forgotten or like I didn’t matter. I did go for a long walk and did self care, but it was not a nice Mother’s Day for me. Heard and seen. I think this is one of the main areas I need help with. I think I thought of myself as a strong and independent woman, but I am really just a little girl who feels invalidated, invisible, and not seen. Add in the invisible step-mom and yesterday sucked.

My IC told me that my nervous system is overloaded. I think that also means that I have not processed a lot. And I think I’ve been in transition so long that I haven’t had the opportunity to do that. So I am trying to look forward to getting into this apartment and the D finalized. I still have the loss of my job and having to find a new one, but I’m hoping that will contribute to feeling like I have a fresh start versus this feeling of numbness and being stuck that I feel like I am in.

I no longer want STBXH back. I know that would be a huge mistake. And I don’t see it ever happening even he comes back around again. And I do think he will try to come back. My IC said the same thing. But, I think that my eyes have been opened to fact that he is so lost in his own depression that he is the type of person that will take and take and take, and never give. He proved that to me. And I see his role in doing that to his first W too. I’m sure from the outside others think that I am over here pining for him, but the truth is this experience put me into crises. It’s shattered my world and my sense of self. Should I be DBing and out there acting like I’ve moved on and like I’m strong? Or is that only a good thing to do if you want your WAS back?