Today, I literally started to have a panic or anxiety attack or what to me felt like one. Something happened today that just put me backwards again. And I tried to just move forward and focus on packing, but I just could not distract myself.
I’m not sure if I mentioned on here much that I have had a very hard time crying. I feel numb still and it is something I am talking with my IC about. But today, I cried. More than I have in a long time. What happened was just one of those “REALLY? NOW THAT TOO?” moments and I just crashed. My poor cat, who is pretty young still, was like “what are you doing? It’s strange” because she hasn’t seem me cry before. I was so upset that I had to take some calming aids and knock myself out for a few hours. Needless to say, the day wasn’t productive towards moving. And it needed to be.
I wrote to my IC and she responded with such care and support, which was needed, but she also said “I do find it very strange that life seems to be taking away any existence of your past with this relationship.” I won’t be sure what exactly she meant by this until we talk in person, but to me, I took it as the universe is really doing it’s darn best to ensure I never will go back to what my life was before. It just hurts too much and too deeply. I am wondering what the universe is really trying to teach me? I’m trying to listen. I’m trying my best to grow and move forward. But what the heck…does it have to be this darn hard?
Thanks D, the universe did send me a very nice positive message and it felt good. I need more of those positive moments.
{{{{{{{{Elbereth}}}}}}}
The day was productive towards your healing, which is more important right now than anything else.
I felt like I would never stop crying, that the world would drown from the sheer volume of tears I had to shed, so I let them out mostly a little at a time, then bottled it all back up so I could continue to function.
To me your IC's words mean that the universe is telling you that all the lessons you needed to learn from this relationship have happened, and now the path is clearing for you to move forward. I'd be interested to hear what your IC really meant.
I don't think butterflies have an easy time whilst in the cocoon. Their bodies have to completely change, and then they have to push themselves out into a vast, new world before they fully emerge in all their beauty and glory. You're in the cocoon. It's not supposed to be comfortable and cozy. It's supposed to hurt. But it also won't always be this way. xoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
