I'm Back after 1st DB (3)

[Traveler]

I'm not sure if it can recover amicably. But that was going to happen later, if not now.

This escalation didn't have to happen. You're not the first to lose their temper and make things worse while talking about money and custody, but some of us avoided that. I'm glad you're resolving that *you* will only reply *by e-mail*--you can't control how she messages you--and that will certainly help. Can you take on-board any of our other suggestions?

I'd love to see you avoid making some of the other mistakes we're warning you about! (a) Wait 2-3 days before any response to let your emotions settle, (b) Pass all responses by an attorney so they can vet them, (c) After learning what you're entitled to, decide what you want and make it so instead of checking in on her opinion first.

The mood was so cold, I said I'm not attending the school function.

Consider adding some calming techniques to your repertoire. There are apps like Headspace, stress balls, etc. Driving solo may have helped. You likely don't want to back out of functions related to your kids. Being the parent who knew the teachers and other parents and their friends definitely had advantages for me related to custody, control, and closeness to my children. Unless you want your STBXW to be the primary for those. My XW is totally fine with that.

In this case, it helps me to not raise my voice and to play the same emotional game. It doesn't help me, I find, to have constant emotional control.

Josh, it's great meditation helps you not yell. That's a solid start. I'm not suggesting you work on calming techniques until you have "constant emotional control"--let's be more realistic. Within 5-15 minutes your STBXW calmed down enough to attend a school function and you did not. Being able to calm down within 5-15 minutes enough to not skip events related to your kids seems like a laudable 180, one good for Josh and his kids and his relationships.

one question , "How do you feel about leaving me last night?" me: "nothing, it was your choice." she: "I thought so." Another bait, I know.

You say above you CHOSE not to attend. Why did you shift the responsibility to her?

She left early in the morning for her parents with the kids. Today I get time to myself, and to do more clean up of the house. Tomorrow I have another IC session.

Enjoy your day off! Aggressive cleaning can work off some anger. Have some fun today, too!