EO, Here is something that I do that might work for you. I just tell him straight up that I am experiencing some weird feelings. For instance, I might say: "Honey, I am starting to feel some resentful feelings creeping back in today. I don't know where they are coming from but I am struggling today and I need you to help me from giving in to them. Let's go do such-and-such." When he sees me trying to overcome my pissiness he is MUCH more apt to be sympathetic and want to spend some QT with me. If I simply told him about the resentment he would feel attacked and as if he could never do anything right. This way, he realizes that Yes he may have let me down in the past and that I am still struggling with it, but that we are a TEAM now and that we can work through it in a positive and cheerful way.
The absolute worst thing, for me, is to try and "stuff" the feelings and tell myself that I am being unreasonable. After all, I don't listen to H so why would I listen to myself, LOL. If I just say it out loud and ask for his help, I have found that all of a sudden the burden is lifted and I can see things much more clearly.
One more thing: It is a subtle and gentle wake up call that maybe he is not doing everything that he could be doing. I don't think that my H (or yours) is malicious but they do sometimes forget or lose track of the fact that is it necessary for them to contribute daily to the R.
I have lots to do today and am looking for a reason to procrastinate, and will have to fight that temptation. It sounds from reading other threads that there were a lot of interesting developments and progress this weekend for other posters.
My husband and I did not ML last night even though I offered. He was aroused after a few seconds of me touching him but said that ML usually feels better and more intense for him if he has a day or two in between sessions. Makes sense to me even though I'm not a guy; I'm just sorry that it used to be more like a week or two between sessions (my fault, not his). We fell asleep with him wrapped around me which I like. I still sleep naked with him even when we don't ML, and I've given him a standing invitation to wake me up in the morning before work if he wants to ML. So far, he hasn't taken me up on that invitation but that's because he said he'd want to curl up next to me and go back to sleep if we ML (true, because he does this on weekend and holiday mornings if we ML).
I did give him a brief foot rub before bed. Interestingly, even though it was past the time he usually goes to bed (he was very busy yesterday working on the house, helping our kids move furniture around in their rooms, barbecuing steaks, etc.), he sat down on the sofa next to me. After a couple of minutes, I asked if he wanted a foot rub. He said yes, and I told him that he doesn't have to wait to see if I'll offer, that I enjoy being able to do that for him, that touching him feels very good to me, and that he can assume from now on that the offer and desire is always there if I'm sitting on the sofa with him. I see now how in the past I was more likely to sigh and come across as though I was doing a BIG favor for him by giving him what he wants. I won't do that to him again.
I've had a chance to review Michele's CDs and re-read parts of her books, Getting Through to the Man You Love and The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage , which was great because they made me realize that what I was feeling on Sunday was normal. They also reminded me to monitor actual results, and this time around the results were much better than in the past when I'd get into a bitchy, irritable mood. Looking back over this weekend, I believe that Sunday's mood was caused mostly by lack of sleep and worry about one of my sons, who's in the second week of mononucleosis (fortunately, he's very healthy and his symptoms are very mild; unfortunately, that makes it harder to convince him to get lots of rest). Also, hormonal fluctuations often seem to bring on irritable moods. In the past, everybody in the house would avoid me, including the cat and the dog, to avoid being in my line of sight. This time around, there were some differences: 1. I wasn't snappish and bitchy as usual. 2. I didn't let my emotions or feelings dictate my reactions or interactions with my husband but used the concepts and techniques from Michele's books and CDs to maintain control. 3. I made a conscious and deliberate choice not to let feelings sabotage the progress and positive changes and results in our marriage. 4. Instead of avoiding me as usual when I'm in one of these moods, my husband came in to my office (my favorite hideout) and suggested that we go out and get a bite to eat (I sometimes forget to eat when feeling irritable) and go grocery shopping together (we'd gone grocery shopping together the week before, and it was nice to have time together while doing a chore together that neither one of us likes doing). I also accepted his invitation even though I was still irritable and decided not to bring up any negative topics while in a bad mood.
We still have minor flare-ups but they blow over quickly now without spilling over into other areas. We don't throw past grudges at each other like before (again, I was most at fault about doing this). There's been no passive-aggressive behavior from either one of us for awhile now. And, we're spending a lot more time talking together and just spending time together in and out of bed. In fact, on Sunday, we spent over an hour talking over sandwiches and iced tea, and my bad mood was gone before we left the restaurant.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Will Rogers
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. C. S. Lewis
Eyes, Here is an off topic question. Well it's not off topic but it has no bearing on your last post; I'm just curious.
What kind of liberator pillow did you get and how on earth did you decide? There are so many different ones on their website that I was confused just looking at them. Squares, wedges, etc.
See, I had a weekend of good sex and now I am dreaming of pillows and vibrators and all other sorts of things that will scare the crapola out of my husband.
Honey,
We bought the wedge and ramp. The wedge gets the most use because we keep it under the bed, and it's easy to pull out and use even after we start ML. We've used pillows from the beginning of our relationship occasionally but the liberator shapes are better and stay in place.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Will Rogers
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. C. S. Lewis
We ML last night with my husband initiating and using a liberator pillow. This morning after checking my calendar and this journal, I realize that we've ML 9 times in the last 12 days. He is much more relaxed and cheerful than he's been in years, and I'm feeling pretty good, too, especially since he's being much more loving and affectionate out of bed, too.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Will Rogers
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. C. S. Lewis
EO, you are an inspiration! What a fabulous success story! I am really hoping W and I can find what you and your H have found, and I really think we may finally be on our way. If we can sustain what we've begun, I think it may not be too long before I show W the Liberator website, and see if she'd be interested in giving it a try...
Eyes, You da bomb! (hey I figured if Dave can say it, so can I)
I have a question for you: When you say that things are so much better outside and inside the bedroom, are you just journaling your thoughts or are you surprised at the outcome? I detect a "pleasant surprise" thing going on, but I have been known to read between the lines and sometimes not so accurately. The reason I ask is that, to me, this one of those things of Well of COURSE it happened that way! Sex brings people closer, it increases intimacy, it relaxes the two people and makes them less tense and irritable with each other--it is really magical what it can and does do to a relationship. So my question is this: As the LD partner did you believe that these things would be true for your husband but not for you? (and I'm not talking about recently but in the past, cause you sure are nothing like the typical LD partner now--whatever that is, lol) Did you regard increasing the sex as something that HE would benefit from but not you?
I think that most HD people want more sex both as a way to calm themselves physically (can't deny the obvious reason) but also as a way to be happier in the relationship. My H has said that he cannot believe how much happier we are now (even with the frequent sex talks, it is STILL better) then we were before. I sometimes look at him quizzically and think, "What did you expect?" And this is not a sarcastic question but a real one! I really can't imagine what he thought would happen instead of what has came about.
If you can shed some light on this, I'd be grateful!
Oh and thanks for the reply on the liberator pillows. I was leaning towards the wedge (oh do I want to lean towards that thing, lol) and I think that you have sealed the deal. Thanks for the advice. Now, if you have any advice on how to suggest it to H, I'd love that too!
Honey, Today's another busy day, so I'll get back to you on the questions later.
As for advice on how to persuade your husband to buy the liberator wedge, you could tell him truthfully that it provides excellent lower back support no matter who's on top (don't know what you could tell him about how good it is for rear entry where back support isn't a factor ).
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Will Rogers
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. C. S. Lewis
).