Create the life...

[DnJ]

Good Morning El

Sorry to hear your packing efforts were so derailed. Panic attacks do seem to come out of nowhere and hit with quite a wallop.

The numbness, the indifference, is such an strange new landscape, isn’t it? I assure you, this is temporary. Indifference does unwind. Feelings do return.

wrote to my IC and she responded with such care and support, which was needed, but she also said “I do find it very strange that life seems to be taking away any existence of your past with this relationship.” I won’t be sure what exactly she meant by this until we talk in person, but to me, I took it as the universe is really doing it’s darn best to ensure I never will go back to what my life was before.

Sounds like you have a good support from a trusted IC. Her observation, in my opinion, is spot on.

As we walk through the numbness, the limbo, time fades what was once burning within our hearts and minds. This much needed reprieve allows us, the hurt LBS, to heal, take stock, look forward, align and strengthen our beliefs and values, and let go. All that happens as it happens. One doesn’t need to force any one item more than any other; and in truth progress happens best when one finds and is calm.

During our trek through this desert - this emotional limbo, this numb - feelings mute as well as thoughts and memories. Yes, life does seem to take away existence of our past relationship. All those painful memories and moments fade, and so does how we react, and so does our addiction to them. In short, we let go; in a weird kind of way. Weird since for most of us, we’ve never experience such a level of indifference before. Not towards anything, never mind the person we once called our loving spouse.

In time, we start to emerge from the desert. Rolling back the void is as strange as experiencing the numbness. Emotions return. We recall and remember. We feel. We cry. We hurt. All fully and yet somehow less. Ah, such is the power of healing.

We also laugh and love. And these positives are expressed and felt with more energy than we have felt in some time. Desires and passions return. And, if we have used our time wisely and well, we step out of the crucible quite shinny and bright. Pressure and stress does produce high quality gems; I believe that is analogous for people as well.

It just hurts too much and too deeply.

(((Hugs)))

In no way am I attempting to invalidated your feelings. Oh yes, it hurts. I know. However, feelings appear and loom larger than they really are, against the backdrop of the void of numb. One not having felt them in a while does skew their amplitude a bit.

Another so interesting part of this. As we unwind indifference we unwind denial. Yep, that same denial from long ago. The very first step of grief.

We get blasted with such betrayal, disloyalty, and unfaithfulness, from a person we pretty much trusted absolutely. That is a lot to process. And a such we enter denial. That is a perfectly normal protective mechanism for our psyche, elsewise we’d have a complete breakdown.

Then the stages of grief progress - anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. We let go, we learn, we become indifferent, we feel again - all in conjunction with the various steps/stages of grief.

Rolling back indifference and beginning to feel again. Beginning to be able to feel again. Is a great sign of healing. I’m a huge proponent of keeping one’s heart soft and squishy, and this is a time when that really pays off. As one discovers their emotions again, a hardened heart will alter it a certain direction. Then again, so does a soft and squishy heart. Of the two, I much prefer the latter path/choice.

So as we are stepping towards acceptance, more is uncovered. Perfectly normal by the way. Way back at the bomb drop, we experienced utter shock and then emotionally denied and protected ourself. Then we walk our path, lots gets revealed, but not all. We aren’t/weren’t ready to accept it.

The fading of indifference seems to be around the time when the remainder of pain and events reveal themselves. Personally, that seems perfectly logical as until then we are still processing the first chunk of that bomb drop barrage. The second chuck is much less in size, and we are much better equipped. This particular “backslide” is quite normal and should be reasonably brief for one who has straightened out their convictions and life values.

I am wondering what the universe is really trying to teach me? I’m trying to listen. I’m trying my best to grow and move forward. But what the heck…does it have to be this darn hard?

The best lessons, the most needed lessons, the most worthy lessons are the hardest.

Pressure and stress makes the gem. Hang in there, and become the diamond you are.

D