I'm Back after 1st DB (3)

[BL42]

Josh_T,

Time for some tough love...

Did I blow it?

Did you blow it in the sense that if you had acted differently it would change the situation? Probably not. Many cases here seem to be too far gone that no matter what people do it the result of the marriage is the same. However, it sounds like you didn't handle the conversation in a DB manner by putting guilt, judgement, and pressure on her...and that likely escalated things and may have consequences for your divorce agreement.

We had a nice dinner, talked about how things will work post-separation.

Many would argue you should be out GAL'ing instead of having dinner and discussions with her.

Emotional rage, guilt, accusations of true colors, tears, "You aren't thinking about the kids like me, you are thinking like a corporate ahole, I will never forgive you, you'll need to take me to court." I've never seen a turn from pleasantries to pure rage like this.

Telling your spouse they're acting like an a-hole and you'll never forgive them is not "loving detachment" or "DB'ing". Insulting, putting guilt and pressure...etc. is only going to get her more angry at you and potentially make the D ugly. It's not going to all of a sudden make her see your side and change.

I then say, which isn't validating, "I guess you need a lawyer".

You told her to lawyer up??? Talk about escalating the legal angle of the situation. Time to dig in for an expensive battle. Your ideal case was you were consulting an L but she didn't. You probably just ensured she will now.

I know that didn't help. I really didn't know how to validate that sort of anger, I couldn't even think at that point. I didn't raise my voice, but I guess I could have said let's talk about this later. It was just such a friendly conversation, I didn't think it would come to this.

We've repeatedly told you NOT to discuss divorce terms with her in person and go through email or even an L if needed. You're not listening, and will have to learn the hard way.

I actually don't feel bad about the incident.

You may regret it when you hear from the L you told her to get.

Josh_T - You really need to stop interactions with her, as you can't help from making them emotional. Here's what I told you 5 days ago:

*Stop ALL emotional interactions with STBXW.
*Deal with any divorce-related communications through email, NOT verbally.
*Consult with a lawyer ASAP.
*DO NOT sell the house in the next two weeks. Making the best decision is better than rushing into a permanent sale based on a perception of a market.
*Forget any notion of keeping a nuclear family close post-D (duplex, renting in the same building, pop-ins in the morning...etc.).
*Don't agree to anything less than 50/50 time with your children. I don't know Australia law - sounds like Kind18 has a good understanding - but don't cave here unless your L advises you have no choice.

And here's what I told you 4 days ago:

This is NOT a conversation you need to have with WAW. This is a decision you need to make and then strategize with your L on the best approach. Feel free to counsel with your family, friends, doctor, phycologist, priest, or whoever else you think may help, but I'd be very wary having this conversation with WAW based on the results of other conversations you've detailed in this thread.