Ek, Thank you so much for your perspective. My comment on hiding my misery relates to the DB process. I'm trying so hard in front of XW to show all is well, regardless of what is inside. I'm not avoiding them, I'm just not expressing them in my family house.
My relationship with XW in family gatherings, I can assure you, would be as if nothing changed. There would be no attacking or comments, she's careful to present the best view. Her parents are non-judgemental my nature. I have no doubt about that. My hesitation comes from fear and avoidance. I fear I won't be able to let go, I fear to be reminded of happier days. I fear a time where I haven't moved on, and she brings a new partner to these gatherings. Or the reverse, that I meet someone, move on, and these family events, fade away. I fear this could be a pattern of boundary violations, I see a future where XW will call me up on my days with children to visit her family.
I'm sure if I went this w/e to the family function, all would be fine. But I don't feel fine, I have a lot of packing to do, which I didn't plan for. I'm still hurting. I'm not sure I could present a strong enough face.
These all sound like excuses, but it's all so fresh. I think I'll skip this one, but maybe if there is one next month, I'll feel stronger and attend.
