EO's journal

[eyesopened]

We ML last night with my husband initiating. It was great, and we used one of the Liberator pillows again. Different angles really are interesting and fun.

Wow, what a difference in feelings today from yesterday, and I'm unbelievably thankful about not acting on those feelings.

We spent most of yesterday afternoon together. I had to do some grocery shopping (as I said, it may not sound romantic to most of you, but we're still fighting for every minute we can spend together) so he went with me (his suggestion) and we spent an hour or so together also getting a bite to eat (also his suggestion) and talking. I've written before that I feel "warm" sexually when we feel emotionally close, but the heat now seems to be turned up a lot higher. Altogether a great afternoon which we capped off with dinner with all 3 of our kids at home followed by a DVD and then a great LM session for my husband and me. Interestingly, I used to be inhibited some by the presence of our kids when they were younger (a locked door seemed to signal to them that they should stand outside knocking and asking us what we were doing even late at night--2 are natural night owls). Now, my husband says that he's slightly inhibited because our kids are older and they know what a closed and locked door means. Interesting, but fortunately it doesn't seem to be all that inhibiting to him once we get started.

Once again, he's cheerful and relaxed today, and so am I. We had an interesting conversation earlier today. I asked him teasingly what he would do if I became insatiable for him. He replied that he would just have to clone himself. What's interesting about this is that he's shown a few mild symptoms of mid-life crisis (mostly comments about not being 20 anymore and being able to do it 2 or 3 times a day and that it seems to take him longer to recover than it used to), and previously his response would have been something like telling me I needed to find a younger guy, more guys, etc. Perhaps I'm reading more into his comment than I should, but it sure sounds like he "gets it" that my desire is for HIM and that he's a great lover.


Tim,
Thanks, it's good to know that I'm not the only one who deals with those feelings sometimes.

Dave,
Thanks, it helps to be reminded of that sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I'm re-parenting myself, and one thing that really seems to help is to ask myself what I would say to one of my sons (assuming we could ever talk about stuff like this) if he was going through something similar.

I can really relate to this. Even though H and I have made progress, or maybe because of it, I am starting to develop feelings of anger and resentment towards him again which interfere with my desire.

InHerJourney,
I've found Michele's book, The Divorce Remedy, and her CDs, Keeping Love Alive, to be very helpful with this. I've also found very helpful her advice not to rely on feelings but to monitor actual results. It'd be so easy for me to sabotage our progress especially since it doesn't feel comfortable to feel this good (in some ways, I'm an optimist, but I also often have that "waiting for the other shoe to drop" feeling). Michele says that one person can change a relationship for the better, and it sounds like you're doing a great job.

Why would you never say these things to him?

MPT,
I understand what you're saying, but this isn't a case of us not being able to communicate. This has more to do with my own issues, and I've unfairly blamed him for plenty of those in the past. So, I wouldn't say these things to him because it would be counterproductive, not fair, discouraging, etc. It just surprised me a little to see some of them re-emerge to plant doubts and negative emotions in my head.

He's been very responsive to the changes; and our problems were caused by both of us, more so by me than by him. Michele talks about focusing on the positives rather than the negatives, and my feelings yesterday were "old" negative feelings from the past. We'd talked about those things in the past, but neither one of us knew how to change things (marriage therapist we saw predicted that we would divorce as did my therapist). It would be as if I said to him, "Honey, I've noticed and appreciate how loving you've been, that you're giving it your best effort to make me happy and to give me what I've said I want, that you've forgiven me at my request for all the times I turned you down for sex and you even brought me 2 dozen roses the day after I apologized because I felt so bad; BUT, BUT, I feel resentful and angry because I felt unloved by you in the past, and the past can't be changed, so ultimately it doesn't matter what you do in the present and future." Even if I didn't mean it that way, I know him well enough that it would seem that way to him and as though I hadn't forgiven him even though I said I did, especially with my history of holding grudges. Conversely, he could say something similar to me about the many times I made him feel unloved and rejected (and there are probably a few of those feelings running through his mind at times especially some worries about whether these are short-term or lifetime changes on my part). However, he says things to me like "it's water under the bridge" and doesn't keep bringing up the past.

It would be cruel and unkind of me to keep throwing the past at the man I love and trust more than anybody else in the world. I'm relying very heavily on Michele's advice to do more of what's working and less of what doesn't work. Talking to him about old negative feelings and things he did or didn't do in the past that aren't issues anymore is definitely one of those things that doesn't work.