Originally Posted by Traveler I wouldn't assume ILU entails a commitment anymore than that sex implies exclusivity. uuummm sex doesn't imply exclusivity.
Actually LH, there are a fair number of women out there who WOULD assume that sex implies exclusivity. So are you upfront with every woman before you sleep with them that you are not exclusive? Some people enjoy casual sex, some people only want to have sex with someone they are "in love" with and exclusive, and there's a whole range in between.
BTW LH I haven't seen you posting lately about your hanging out and hooking up.
And how long into a relationship have you said ILU in the past, LH? A year? two? or do you decide something important like "I can't imagine my life without this person" in less time than that?
So K based on your postings you are still pretty bitter about your h leaving you many years ago. Why? Love isn’t forever. It’s certainly not a life commitment. That’s what you’re telling us.
So you think in 6 months of dating you know enough about a person to make a serious commitment to them? Or to continue dating and DBing the relationship even if you find out at 7 months that they are not at all who you thought they were? What's the line for you - would you keep trying to salvage the relationship if you found out they were hiding an addiction? A gambling or shopping habit? Serious financial irresponsibility? Infidelity? Would you stay if they became permanently quadraplegic and brain damaged at 7 months of dating? If you discovered they had untreated/untreatable bipolar disease with severe destructive manic episodes and you just happened to be dating them in between episodes?
I know different people would have different answers to this question in different situations with different people, but I would argue that at 6 months in, you are only just beginning to find out who the real person is, not the infatuated fantasy you have about them. So at what point would you consider yourself not committed to "making it work" after saying ILU if you found out one of these things about them?
So, a discussion on another thread has me thinking more generally - what DOES it signify when grown up adults say “I love you” in a dating situation? And how soon in a relationship do you say it?
So, my question for you all is, when do YOU think is the right time to say ILU in a dating relationship? When you’re feeling infatuated? When you decide you’re really really enjoying your time with a person? When you decide you really really like who they are as a person? When you decide to be exclusive? When you decide you want to live with them? When you decide you want to marry them?
My .02
Love is a choice and when both parties make this choice - then you will be successful.
If either party decides to stop making this choice. Doom and gloom.
Point is - the choice needs to be made everyday and everyday you need to work at it. Easier said than done. Certainly it can be done, I think the point of your second paragraph above is that it needs to be done, whenever that happens.
So K based on your postings you are still pretty bitter about your h leaving you many years ago. Why? Love isn’t forever. It’s certainly not a life commitment. That’s what you’re telling us.
MARRIAGE is a lifetime commitment. Dating and saying ILU is not. There's a reason we celebrate the commitment of marriage.
And actually, I'm not bitter about my divorce. I'm unhappy about the fact that my ex stole MY AGENCY by not being honest about who he was and what he was doing in the marriage. Instead he lied and deceived. I'm actually thrilled to be divorced from him now. I wish he'd be a better parent and not leave it all on my shoulders but that's just who he is, a narcissist.
