I’m back. Didn’t think I’d have to say that. Went through all this pain years ago and divorce to spend years reclaiming me and changing my life. Got married again less than five years ago and it feels like everything is slipping away again. I’m not even sure where to start. We aren’t separated but can barely be around each other when the kids aren’t there. With our kids we do great. But the rest of the time, wife seems so uncomfortable with me. Says she’s lost all attraction for me and the more she’s gotten to know me through the years the worse that has gotten. Hurts like hell to hear and just seems brutal. I’m trying to disconnect but my family is all I have. I remember some of the rules here. Focus on me and all that but I’m just so down it’s hard to get in a safe space and control me. Anyhow, this helped last time to post. Hoping it might through our challenges now.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
So sorry to hear that. I'm glad you're working on it while it's "slipping" and not full BD! Although, it sounds like you're near that point if she's telling you she's lost all attraction. What behaviors are bothering her? Are these behaviors you consider core you, or are they behaviors you feel you should change? The first step is to stop doing damage! Hope you're getting sleep, taking time to destress, and totally cutting our any arguing or defending--perhaps even validating.
Is she willing to go to marriage counseling? Do you duspect her if having an affair? Do you know her Love Languages? Do you have issues you think you need to correct in yourself - ie are any of her complaints legitimate? We’re there red flags before you married her that you ignored?
So married 4.5 years. 6 kids (1 mine / 5 hers). My son lived with me his whole life until last April when we had a house fire and he had to move to stay with his mom because hotel living wasn’t conducive to low functioning autism. Of her five boys the oldest isn’t speaking to us for a year after a huge disagreement with his mom. The other four come and go on a rotating 2/2/3 schedule. My wife works nights and I work days.
She has had severe depression for several years for years and has some chronic hip pains. Since last year she’s now also enjoying early menopause. We are both 41. Survived one physical affair and an emotional affair both just after one year of marriage.
She’s been distancing herself more and more this past 6 months but I confronted her recently and said I needed some answers. She wrote a three page letter explaining she’s lost all attraction for me and feels awful about if but is tired of feeling like the bad guy 75% of the time and she’s created avoidance rather than feeling awkward around me. It’s not been easy to be around each other with that problem hanging out there.
I’ve joined a gym, going regularly again and mens small group again at church. She’s confrontational but always manages to act normal when kids are at house. Says I’m an amazing dad and literally tells me there’s a million great things about me but it’s obvious she perceives me as weak. Difficulty is we live far from my friends and family so I hav little to no support network and without my son around I feel so alone now. I’m the kind of husband that actually likes to talk about our relationship and discuss but my wife gets uncomfortable and uses silence until she feels like writing down her feelings.
She wrote in her recent letter than she knows she loves me because she can’t stand telling me things that hurt me. So she had to write this stuff down. She never seems to know what to say to me and says I just fill the air with stating the obvious all the time. We aren’t great at communicating because we are so different. We used to be mad about each other and loved to be around each other all the time but the more time passes we find we have so little in common. I’ve taken in more of what she enjoys for years. We’ve gone camping, hiking, kayaking even though I had always been a more in doors guy.
I realize my explanation is all over the place buts hard to tell the whole story in one pass. I worry about another affair because it’s happened before.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
I’ve signed up for marriage counseling in the 17th, trying to take the lead on organizing. We had talked some months ago about taking a trip for us at the end of May but today I got a message from her that she doesn’t want to be anywhere together for days since it will just feel like staring at each other for days and it would be awkward. Some frustrated texts with each other and then had to drop the conversation. I don’t know when I became so disgusting to her. Apparently the things she hates about me is that I’ve always jumped up to do things for her when she doesn’t want me to do anything. I’m over focused on her it seems and I don’t have any passions in life outside of her and the kids.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Do you know her Love Languages? Do you have issues you think you need to correct in yourself - ie are any of her complaints legitimate? We’re there red flags before you married her that you ignored?
Her love languages are gifts and acts of service. Even though it changes at times. She experiences some real difficult shifts at times. Her only complaint that she has expressed still so far is being completely unattracted but somehow it’s seems to have affected everything.
Red flags, probably… but we dated and married pretty quickly. Didn’t spend a lot of times looking for the red flags. Pretty stupid I know.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
It makes sense that as you’ve dropped your own life and passions, the things that attracted her to you, her attraction for you has dropped.
I’d like to hear more about your son. Are you saying He has not lived with you for over a year? What are you doing to remedy that situation? What custody % did you have before that? I wonder how she feels about your handling of that.
I’m not sure about my previous changes. She has referred to me as too codependent so maybe it’s that’s I’m too focused on her and not enough on myself and being on my own at times.
So my son is another story. He’s 13 now about to be 14 and last year before our home fire she was pushing me to let him go live with his mom who was pushing to change custody arrangements at that time. I was pushing back until a night weeks before when my spouse admitted to a long term issue abusing pain meds. I decided I might need to consider it seeing how unstable things were at home and I had no idea. Then the house burned and we had no safe dove for him. Crammed our big family into hotels for months and then a too small apartment past that.
My son was easier to manage when he was smaller but when he got bigger he started making my wife uncomfortable. He’s hit puberty and approaches girls a little differently these days. He gets kind of grabby so while I could see my wife seeing letting him move being something she didn’t expect to go so easily, I think it had to happen given the circumstances.
Oh and to answer your question, I had him full time before that and he visited his mom every other weekend or times she had requests for vacation.
Last edited by Bunches; 05/06/2208:33 PM.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
I'm glad you're working on it while it's "slipping" and not full BD! Although, it sounds like you're near that point if she's telling you she's lost all attraction. What behaviors are bothering her? Are these behaviors you consider core you, or are they behaviors you feel you should change? The first step is to stop doing damage! Hope you're getting sleep, taking time to destress, and totally cutting our any arguing or defending--perhaps even validating.