I'm Back after 1st DB (3)

[Elbereth]

You don't HAVE to drop your relationship with her family. Sometimes LBS have a fantasy the WAS's family will choose the LBS *over* the WAS long-term. That's rare. What's not rare is some people who had good relationships with their ex-inlaws maintain them through a divorce. You are no longer their daughter's husband, but you are still bound to them as their grandchildren's father.

Emotionally, I cannot do that right now. Indeed, they wouldn't take sides, and would still treat me the same as before. I just don't have the headspace, I'd feel miserable inside and don't think I could fake looking like all is well. I appreciate it's my lizard brain telling me to avoid and wanting to just move on already. I'm using up enough resolve to keep it together at home.

Hello Josh. I was looking over your recent posts and had some experience to share about the extended family. It is a complicated thing and there is no right or wrong way about maintaining those relationships (or not), so I wanted to just share my experience in case it gives you more to think about.

This is my second divorce. My first MR was over 15 years. His family was loving towards me but I felt like I needed space and I needed to give them space, so I distanced myself. There were no children involved so that also made it easier. They only showed me love before this decision, so there wasn’t an event. I just thought I was doing what I should do. Well, years later, I miss that family so much and the way I pulled away created distance. I did reconnect with my exFIL and he was lovely. So that has been a blessing. I’m still working on maintaining a relationship with him while I am going through now my second D. I’m saying that I grew to regret my decisions about how I handled this and felt a deep loss in those relationships.

The MR I am leaving now is a shorter one an involves my being a step-mom. I had a wonderful relationship with his family prior and this time I am doing my best to remain in contact. I am careful about what I say about the situation or my XH directly, and I know they see some sides of it, but I also haven’t been quiet about how hard this has been for me or that I am still struggling. I can do that while making it clear that I don’t want the MR anymore, but that doesn’t mean I’m in a happy place. They have been warm, lovely, supportive and admire and appreciate that I am not leaving the relationship I’ve built with the boys I helped raise. So far, it’s going well. All I can do is go into with with my heart open and be aware that they will always side with my XH because he’s family, but I am doing my best to avoid any ‘taking sides’ situations in this…as best as I can anyway. I think you can show you will be okay and will be putting yourself first (and living your best life) while still being authentic about the hard feelings that go with the loss or situation you are dealing with.

I’ve come to realize in old age (ha) that if you don’t water relationships, they die. So, if these relationships are important to you, you may not want to stop watering them. If the “father I never had” has had that level of impact on you in a positive way, then it only stands to reason that maintaining that relationship might give you sustenance opposed to drain or misery.

It’s an awkward situation for sure when a split happens, especially when children are involved. Remember, it’s awkward for them too and they have their own feelings and struggles about it. You mention that you feel you have to hide that you feel miserable. Why do you feel that way? Is it you wanting to avoid those feelings, or do you just feel overwhelmed and the effort is too much? If you imagine being honest about where your heart is but not attacking your W in a conversation with a family member, how do you imagine they would respond? Is it loving? Is it uncomfortable? Have you tested the waters? Have they invalidated your feelings before, or are you just afraid they will?

El