EO's journal

[eyesopened]

We didn't ML last night, but I gave my husband a foot and back rub for 2-3 hours (in and out of bed). He had a hard time falling asleep last night (partially due to him falling asleep on the sofa in the afternoon and sleeping for 2 hours there) and says that he feels a little depressed. I suspect he may be in a relatively mild midlife crisis.

We talked for awhile and he said things all seem to be upside down now, including the fact that he's not used to me offering to ML with him, etc., etc. He also talked about how he's not 20 anymore where he could have sex 2 or 3 times a day (that's one reason I suspect a mild midlife crisis and a little anxiety). We talked quite a bit and he asked for a back rub, which I did, and he fell asleep.

But, afterwards I couldn't sleep and could feel some old resentments and irritability surfacing again. I'm the one who's putting in the most effort to change our relationship. I sometimes feel as though his job, the kids, the house, etc., take priority over me in his life (probably not true, but it feels that way sometimes). I remember how he'd come home late from work sometimes simply because somebody walked into his office as he was leaving and would want to talk; he'd come home and we'd eat a fairly late dinner and clean up (he's always helped with dinner and cleaning up), ignore each other for most of the evening especially if he fell asleep in front of the TV (he was working 10-11 hour days), and then go to bed where he'd reach for me. And, if we had sex and I had an orgasm (I'm very easily orgasmic), I think that he felt we'd reconnected emotionally and that it was as good for me as it was for him. The men who worked with him greatly respected him, and many of the women would tell me how lucky I was to be married to him; but I mostly felt lonely and alone in our marriage and taken for granted.

When we met for lunch once a week for a couple of years when the kids were all in school and sometimes met for lunch at home to ML (which was also my idea), I realize that he was probably very happy at the thought of "getting laid" while I was most happy at the thought of having his undivided attention and time alone with him.

I remember reading on at least one thread where one woman whose husband is the LD spouse in their marriage thought it wasn't fair that LD wives generally just have to "show up". I understand what she was saying, but that's often not true. In some cases, an LD wife such as me for whom sex in and of itself doesn't establish emotional connection or intimacy, has to work very hard to get in the mood to have sex with a husband who's become a stranger, who doesn't recognize the importance of emotional intimacy, and who doesn't realize that sex by itself doesn't satisfy my need for emotional intimacy and affection. I'm the one who would buy and read the books on techniques, which he loved. I'm the one who would buy massage oils, the Liberator pillows, etc. Mostly he would just reach for me or say something to indicate he wanted to ML and if I wasn't "in the mood" or was busy or preoccupied, he'd respond with a comment like "so what else is new". He's a very good and skilled lover and would always make sure that I had an orgasm and would take his time (definitely NOT a "wham bam, thank you m'am" kind of guy), and I'd often feel relaxed and satisfied physically, but I'd still feel lonely and like I was sleeping with a stranger.

If this sounds like I'm blaming him for all our problems, I'm not. I'm simply venting and saying things I'd never ever say to him (besides, I know that every story has two sides, and he has his own long list of ways I made him feel unloved or inadequate). I feel like there's a bloody war going on in my mind (kind of like those cartoons with the little angel on one shoulder and a little devil on the other side). But, I also see more and more the value of journaling here especially when I go back and read earlier posts (amazing how faulty memory can be at times and how unreliable feelings are).

Neither one of us knew the things we know now; and most of our friends and family joked about sex disappearing after marriage and kids. Things are definitely improved between us now, but I was surprised to feel a few of the old resentments. I won't let those spoil our progress, but I see how easy it would be to do so.

It seems like common sense that a major change in the relationship, even for the better, will cause some discomfort and a desire to return to what feels familiar. I feel like I'm fighting with myself now, but the struggle for a better marriage and more love and intimacy is one I'm committed to winning, and I won't give up. I'm very lucky in that we're still together and he's responding very positively to the changes; it's just a little surprising to see that this is still a struggle despite the positive changes and reinforcement and that it would be incredibly easy to fall back into old unhappy ways again.

Anyway, I'm tired today from lack of sleep, but things are still going well between us. He may have felt a little depressed last night, but he's cheerful and relaxed today (guess I must give pretty good rubs and massages). It's very interesting that as he feels more satisfied sexually and recognizes that it's there for the taking now, sex itself seems to diminish in importance while his love and need for touch come to the forefront. At this point, he's far more likely to ask for foot rubs and massages and to pull me into a hug than to ask for sex.

My goal for frequency right now is a minimum of 2 times a week. From what I've read, that seems to be the minimum for the health benefits especially for men. Last week, we ML 6 times, which is probably the most times we've ML in one week in our relationship where most of the LM was at night (hard to ML during the day with kids around the house no matter how old they are). We both worked very demanding jobs with long hours when we met and I didn't quit my job and move in with him until I was 6 months pregnant (our jobs were almost 100 miles apart, so we lived apart during the week even after we got married), so most of our lovemaking took place during the day on weekends before we had kids.


Dave,
How wonderful about your parents. I feel sad about my parents sleeping in separate bedrooms, especially since they seem to just co-exist together now. They take care of each other and care for each other, but there seems to be little or no intimacy or pleasure in each other other's company.


Tim,
I hope that you and your wife surpass my husband and me. If two prickly people like us from families where there was no physical affection between the husband and wife can make progress, there has to be hope for you. You made a comment on your thread that I've been thinking about and will try to respond to later this week. You mentioned discussions where your wife talked about making-out sessions before your marriage, and I realized that I looked forward to sessions like that far more than I ever looked forward to sex no matter how hot the sex was or how great the orgasms. Anyway, I'm trying to figure out exactly what was going on, why I feel this way, and why it now feels as though we're integrating some of that into some of our LM sessions now. I've taken the focus off orgasm and have finally convinced my husband that he's not leaving anything unfinished and it's no reflection of him as a lover if I don't have an orgasm. I don't know how to explain this except that it feels sometimes like there's a higher or different plane of physical pleasure that I can reach that's very different from orgasm. It's kind of liking riding a wave higher and higher for a very long time and then being gently taken to the shore as opposed to riding a wave until it crashes down around you. Anyway, it's something I'll try to figure out; and even if it's nothing like what your wife experiences, it might at least provide a different perspective. As I read somewhere, the study of human sexuality is still in its infancy.