Saving Pack through D, Pack_19 part V

[Pack_19]

hi all!

Sorry I have not written before. I have the kids now and you know, I must shine as a father aside from work. I am actually incredibly excited about this weekend as I have joined a sort of cars and coffee event and I am taking S9, fingers crossed he enjoys it and we can have some awesome father-son time!

The sexual kung-fu comes from "The multiorgasmic man". It is nothing more than a set of breathing and pelvis muscular exercises to help you control orgasms and separating them from ejaculation when you want. Jokes aside, I used to be unable to do this and I can now report it works!

Here comes another of my sincere posts, I just hope you can listen and help me, although nothing I do now is going to change anything and I know all I can do is improve as a man and father and make my changes permanent. I am not sure what the appointment is for, as we have two pending items. On the one hand is the D, on the other is the penal denunciation (is it said like that) she presented after I divided the earnings from the house in Munich and sent her the part that corresponded to her half after removing all expenses I had covered since she left home in October 19. I asked my layer and he says he will guide me but I am not sure for which topic it is, I want to say it is only the D.

When I saw the message my whole body ached. At this point I just want to put myself in the hands of my L and be done with this. Just thinking about interacting with W brings me memories of my darkest times and this somehow feels like the finale I never wanted, the confirmation that everyone around me was right and I was wrong, the idea that my M was not strong or healthy and was never worth fighting for during these years of tears and shame as a man. You know, looking back W is just the same she was back at home in Munich, when she was 100% sure we were done and it was time to start a new life and I am the emotionally incompetent man who is still not fully awaken to this new reality.

I will more than likely be nervous and ashamed on Monday, but I will remind me of my value as a man and have all your support in my head so that I can behave like a strong man of principles. It is so sad that my experiences and days with W have come to this, I will never understand how I messed it so much on the early months of our S to make her so sure a life without a shadow of me would make her the happiest despite our children.

I am working strongly on killing my thoughts and memories about life in the UK and Germany during our marriage. They only hurt me and they are holding me back from starting a new episode in my journey here. I wonder if with time I will look back toward these years as wasted time I spent worrying about what she was up to, how she could have erased any meaning of our M and so damn convinced that R was the best for us and our children. Yesterday I read all my four previous threads, I should have been a man and leave her alone from day one. I should have focused on me, my children and the things I was willing or wasn't willing to tolerate in a partner and I should have seen the severity of W's actions and words much earlier. This woman was destroying all I called home and family, leaving me behind as some useless lover, convinced that I had failed as a H, and I was there asking her if we could go for dinner. Then friends were telling me, Pack she is out there with others, and I was thinking well she is very lost and I am sure some day she will see the value in our family and M. AND worst of all, I was changing my appearance, my attitude and my clothes to shine in front of her during those 5 mins when we exchange the children. I have been accused of being obsessed, of harassment, of being a poor lover and of being the only thing that did not fit in her life.

Monday is going to hurt, I will probably cry at home, I will cry for that young couple and their little baby who moved to the UK with some dreams and little knowledge of the challenges in life. I will cry for all the days I will spend thinking what my children are up to and wishing they were with me and for the many things I threw away for a chance that was never under my control. This D is going to hurt like hell, but I want it, you bet I do. I deserve so much better than the last three years. Even if I have to be alone and devote myself to my children, job and hobbies. And I am not a safety net or a plan B. I am an amazing father and man and I will prove that I can look into myself and change the many defects I have.

thank you all, I love staying in touch with you all. You are a wonderful group of human beings. My focus is on Pack, my PIES and becoming the man I was always meant to be. Oh boy, is he a catch!!