EO's journal

[eyesopened]

We went to bed late last night and my husband was tired so we didn't make love. I realized that this is the first time in our relationship that he's turned down an offer from me to ML. This is probably a very good development for both of us. He was almost apologetic, but I don't want him to feel at all pressured and hopefully this is an indication that he doesn't feel sex starved anymore.

Two amazing things are happening. We talk a lot more and feel very comfortable with each other again (emotional closeness). Also, the amount of physical touching, with or without LM, between us now runs between 1 to 3 hours a day (long hugs, foot rubs, massages, touching while doing other things, etc.) Before this, it would have taken almost a month to accumulate the amount of physical touch we have in one day now. My husband is also now asking for or saying what he wants (such as foot rubs, neck and shoulder rubs, etc.), which he had stopped doing about the same time he stopped asking for sex.

If he has a primary love language, it seems to be physical touch (nonsexual in addition to sexual).

Dave,
I really hope things improve for you. I'm not really a sexual person as far as sex drives go. In fact, using Willard Harley's list of 10 emotional needs in His Needs, Her Needs, I'm probably like most (not all, but most) women in that sex is number 6 or 7 on my list. We're "old dogs" too and intimacy like this is new to us (I happen to agree with Schnarch about the difference between genital and sexual prime). In one sense, I'm having to unlearn patterns from the past. I'm comfortable with sex, I'm confident of my abilities and skills as a lover, I'm easily orgasmic, but I often was emotionally detached during sex until recently. It's also helped that I no longer see ML as a big production or as a "chore" but as an extension now of the physical affection between us during the day. If you compare sex with eating, it's as though I used to see it as the equivalent of preparing a feast or getting ready to go out to a fancy restaurant. We're just as likely now to have LM sessions that are the equivalent of grabbing a piece of fruit out of the refrigerator, cooking something in the microwave, making something quick and simple, etc. We still have sessions that are the equivalent of feasts and fancy restaurants in that they're prolonged and require more work and/or preparation, but there's just as much emphasis now on "meals" that simply nourish and/or satisfy hunger.

InHerJourney,
It is awesome to fall in love with him again, and I'm finally willing (after more than 20 years together) to acknowledge and accept the vulnerability and responsibilities (see the Harry Stack Sullivan quote below) that come with that. Good luck with your situation.