EO's journal

[eyesopened]

We ML again last night (no Liberator pillow this time ) with my husband initiating. That was the sixth time we ML in the last 6 days. We both finally understand that if we're feeling emotionally close to each other, it takes only a few minutes of kissing, me touching him, or him touching me for me to become physically aroused and ready. Last night, I was ready after only a few minutes of kissing.

In TSSM, Michele talks about how liberating it is for people like me whose desire follows physical arousal to realize that we're normal and that we do experience desire, just not the same way as those people who have sexual thoughts that lead to desire and then to arousal. For my husband and me, it is liberating and a revelation to know what works (wish we'd known it sooner) and that it's normal. He seems to be intrigued by this revelation and the knowledge that my desire is truly for him and is triggered by him (he's a true believer now after seeing this for himself the last 3 times we've ML where I've become aroused by him through physical touch even without any direct stimulation).

I've also realized that talking to him while we ML (sex talk, not talk about the kids, the house, etc.) is also very liberating and personal. He loves it (I always loved him talking to me, and he's very good at combining sex and romance in his talk). I used to think it would sound like a bad script from a porn movie and would feel forced, but it's very easy and natural to tell him now what I'm feeling, thinking, anticipating, etc. while we ML, and it's a definite turn-on for him.

In the first chapter of PM, Schnarch presents a couple, Karen and Ken, who loved each other and seemed to have a good sex life, but whose LM was often impersonal (although they were together physically in the act, they weren't focused on each other). That's similar to what was going on with my husband and me. Although LM wasn't as frequent as my husband would have liked, when we did ML it was good physically, but we usually seemed to be distant from each other. Talking to him while we ML lets him into my head and keeps me focused on him and us and how deeply I love and trust him (scary thoughts for me).

Using Michele's directive to think back to when things were good and identify what was different, there was one time in our marriage when LM was better and our marriage as a whole was better. That was when all 3 of our kids were in school, and my husband and I would meet for lunch at least once a week. Sometimes we'd meet at a restaurant (often a fast food place) and would talk with each other. Other times we'd meet at home and would ML (that's when I bought the Lou Paget book on techniques). We were making time for each other and connecting emotionally and physically with each other. And, even though the frequency of these "dates" left much to be desired, our marriage was calmer and happier than it had ever been. What I realize now but didn't understand then is that my arousal pattern was very evident then. He'd walk through the door and be ready to ML (said he'd been thinking about it all morning). Meanwhile, I was looking forward to being with him but had given sex little or no thought. But, once he touched me and we started kissing, I'd quickly become ready and aroused to ML with him (and it was some of the best sex in our marriage).

That seems to be happening all over again now even though this is probably the most stressful time in our marriage (2 kids in college, the youngest in high school, a job for my husband with lots of travel and 50-60 hour work weeks, a fairly recent job transfer, remodeling a house, etc.). And, yet, the last couple of weeks have been calm, we're kinder and more loving to each other, we can discuss hot-button issues such as remodeling the house without the discussion degenerating into a fight, and irritability and anger are confined to single issues and blow over quickly. He's mentioned and seems to be surprised at how good ML seems to be now. And, I'm falling in love with him again.

Although I think what is going on in your M sounds wonderful, I don't know if I agree with your philosophy of giving him "complete control" of your ML frequency. But then again, it doesn't sound like you're really doing that. From what it sounds like, you are giving him your complete trust that he won't take advantage of the privilege of your current openness to ML with him. That's a bit different.

Hairdog,
You're right about the trust. I also don't ever want him to feel pressured about ML especially since there's already so much other stress in his life right now. When I say he controls the frequency, this doesn't mean that I grit my teeth and force myself to have sex with him. He's working as hard as I am to maintain the emotional connection, and when that emotional connection is there, it takes very little effort for me to become physically ready to ML with him. Also, when I initiate, it's not a bored, disinterested "do you want to make love" as though I'm doing him a big favor. Physical touch, especially sex, says "I love you" to him, and I'm very much aware of that now. When I get ready for bed at night (we also ML during the day sometimes but that's usually at his initiation), I go beyond my usual preparations and add his favorite perfume. I don't wear anything else to bed (his preference--if it changes, I'll change). I hug him, kiss him, caress him whether we ML or not and focus on his response. And, if I do ask him verbally in some way if he wants to ML, it's in a teasing or seductive way.