Create the life...

[Elbereth]

Today the universe sent me a message. It was of hope and support. How strange it is to have an encounter with someone who went through what you have, and provides a moment of kindness and support. Of course, I get that support in lots of ways on this site. I don’t want to imply that I don’t. But there is something about meeting a random person, in physical person, have it be a short visit, but so serendipitously fitting and aligned.

Tonight I met a man who used to live in my hood and just happened to be visiting the neighborhood from out of state. We strike up a conversation between tables and it comes out that we have both gone through what we have, mine being in the present and his being in the past. So many similarities, but yet, so many differences. One message being the same though, I will be okay, cuz ten years out he is okay. I don’t know, of course I see/hear that on this site a lot. But having someone that has experienced what I have look me in the eye and hug me on this day of difficulty (today was my mediation no less), it just felt like it was the universe offering me a very specific comfort. A comfort I needed desperately. Unfortunately, he already has a girlfriend…haha. All kidding aside, he was a good man, I could tell, and said he’d be hitting on me if he didn’t already have a girlfriend. It was a bit of boost that I needed to hear, especially now, when I’m not actually ready to date, but still need to know that I am still physically desirable. Cuz, hell, I’ve gone through menopause and my STBXH doesn’t think I’m young enough.

Yes, today was my mediation. What an experience. Eitherway, I lost. I lost because I did not build my retirement for myself and I did not protect my side of my finances…at least in the ways that matter for ‘court’. So, it’s not fair, and never will be. I definitely ended up with a deficit. But, with what we could divide in the session, I did pretty okay. So at least I am not destitute and I got something to move forward with. But honestly, if our home hadn’t sold for what it did, I’d be in very bad shape…

I was proud of myself for remaining calm and not emotional. It was interesting that at first I thought the mediator thought I was trying to be manipulative (based on a few things that had occurred out of my control at this point). But as time went on it was interesting when he asked “Does your STBXH have anger issues” and I was like “funny you should ask, and yes…”… So I think the mediator was not impressed by my STBXH. Of course there was hiding of assets, providing discovery on the day of mediation and other games from his side. So on top of realizing he has no integrity by what he’s done with his affair thus far I can also add to his chart that he did the same with the divorce process. I’m happy for it to be over and I regret ever trusting him. Even his own lawyer sees what an awful person he is/has become.

My friend and I chatted with our waitress, who we see often…we are regulars, and she is getting married in the summer. I stressed to her how she needs to be sure to protect herself financially and never trust a man to take care of you. If I had saved to my retirement or built a savings, I may have received 50% of it. But since I put the money towards him and our family, I lost 100% of that money. It’s just gone. The whole divorce process is unfair to women. It’s blaring to me. It’s awful. And it doesn’t account for powerful men using women, and using women that make less then them and contribute more than their share (financially or otherwise). I wish I had been taught better, I wish I had learned from my first marriage. We all want to believe that there will be a happily ever after but in reality, we have to create our own financial future and fiercely protect it to have it. If we depend on others you get screwed. It’s so obvious to me and it’s so awful. I feel like today at least I let it go and was able to focus my energy on trying to get as much as I could from what we could divide and the division was fair. And my STBXH was angry and I can’t help but to be happy about that.

On to filing the final papers and getting this step done. One step at a time to create the life I deserve…

El