My husband came home from his trip Friday night. He was tired and was feeling a little under the weather. I could definitely feel distance between us, but I recognized that this is pretty normal when he's gone for more than 1 night. I hugged him a few times, told him that I missed him, etc (big change in attitude and behavior on my part). He went to bed before I did, but I still did what he'd asked for before (sleeping with him wearing nothing but his favorite perfume). I didn't think much would happen (and I didn't want to wake him up), but after a short while, he reached for me and we ML, which was good but still felt a little distant.
The amazing thing was what followed. Even though it was late at night and he's not a night owl, we then spent almost two hours talking with each other (relationship talk and non-relationship talk).
He also talked about why it's hard for him to sometimes just ask or say or "take" what he wants from me (related to childhood issues and his mother). We also talked about how I felt when he threw open-ended offers or initiating back at me as "demands" during arguments about other stuff (some of it is related to the "good girl" vs "bad girl" dichotomy); and he apologized and promised not to do that again. I asked him if he wanted me to initiate and/or offer and told him that I like doing that because he seems to really like it, and he told me to go for it.
He also mentioned that he wasn't 20 anymore and that he might not be able to do it every night (could have fooled me though, he's always been a high testosterone man). I reassured him that this wasn't a problem, that he now has complete control over the frequency of sex in our marriage because my desire or drive is fueled by his desire and my desire for HIM rather than a physical urge. I also told him truthfully that I really do enjoy giving him massages, foot rubs, or sometimes just "playing" with him.
We spent most of Saturday morning with each other, and later he said "C'mon, let's go get lunch." In the past, he would have asked if I wanted to get something to eat, and if I'd been busy or distracted, I would have automatically replied, "no". We then went grocery shopping together (it may not sound romantic to most of you, but with his schedule and the house remodeling, we sometimes have to fight for every minute we spend together.)
Out of the blue, he said he'd like to look at buying another house as an alternative to doing the planned remodeling on this one. We talked some more (this is usually a real hot-button issue for us that usually ends in a big fight and then silence for days between us), and I explained that I loved the quality of the work that he did and the location of our home, but I didn't like feeling like we were living in limbo, not knowing what came next or when it would be finished. So, we're going to do some househunting, get estimates to build the addition on our home, figure out exactly what and when we'd do certain projects if we stay in this house, and then make a final (or at least a semi-final) decision whether to stay put or move to another house.
We ML again Saturday night with the lights on and with me initiating with several different "techniques" and "positions".
This morning we ML again and finally used the Liberator pillow shapes recommended by another poster, DBrookie. Lots of fun.
Afterwards, we had a long discussion about sex. I explained to him some of the things I've learned about myself, such as the fact that when I feel close to him, I'm always "ready" even though it may take my body a few minutes to catch up, that when I'm "ready", he doesn't have to worry about getting me in the mood, that we might need to use a little Astroglide until my body gets the message but he can just "take me" (that seemed to really turn him on). Like some of the women in Michele's book, I really get into it once we get started but I often don't get into it until we start.
We also talked about what we liked best about sex. I've finally realized that although I'm easily orgasmic, what I like most about ML (and physical affection in general) are the more sensual and emotional aspects. I explained to him that it's as though he sweeps me up with him on top of a cresting wave and I want to stay on top of the wave (I even get that feeling when I'm "doing" him with my hands and/or mouth because he's made himself very vulnerable to me and I also love how he looks, feels, tastes, and smells "down there").
As for the emotional aspects, I told him how turned on I get by the idea and recognition that he's penetrating me and is inside me (both he and I grew up in homes where we had to become self-sufficient and independent). I realized and told him that I trust him completely in bed not to hurt me (physically or emotionally) so he can "take" what he wants and/or what I give and that he can trust me to let him know if I need something else or something more. For the first time, he also told me explicitly some of things he likes most (sexual and nonsexual touch), which surprised me in a very good way.
The conversations this weekend have been the most open about ML that we've ever had before. I'm sure we still have a long way to go (after more than 20 years of marriage, there are a lot of bad habits and patterns to overcome), but at least it feels as though we're finally on the right road together.
I am so thankful for Michele's books and CDs because a few months ago things seemed hopeless and I'd moved out of our bedroom (he'd moved out for a while almost a year ago) for a couple of months because we seemed to fight or give each other the silent treatment much of the time. I didn't know if we'd divorce (divorce is against my beliefs, both religious and nonreligious), but I could see us sleeping in separate bedrooms; and I really didn't think it was possible to feel and trust that I could be romantically in love with him again.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Will Rogers
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. C. S. Lewis
