(Of course, the other approach is simply to say you're not interested in reconciling at this point but you will stay his friend and help him if he needs it. I would also alert his family to your concerns about his mental health. )
GAL is always a good idea! I am 4 years into Ring and piecing and I continue to GAL! Spouses with lives are much more attractive than those that have no life.
Thanks, SteveLW! I realise that I have sacrificed, or rather diminished my social life greatly for our 'family time.' I was too accommodating and too eager to please. GAL actually reconnected me with my friends and made me realise how lucky I am to have them. Most of the times I was even able to take my son too.
The way you test how serious he is, is by putting obstacles in his way to return. WAS that REALLY want to come back will go over an obstacle to do so. LBS that fear putting requirements in place because it might make the WAS not come back are thinking about Ring and piecing all wrong. Too easy a path back will set you up for another future BD.
I agree w/everything SteveLW say above. It's great advice.
This is a good one. Thank you BL and Steve for your inputs on this. It makes perfect sense that obstacles need to be there and I am at a position where it is ok for me if H doesn't come back for real.
Originally Posted by BL42
In addition, you should give some serious consideration as to if he really is serious whether you actually want to allow him back or not. I'm pro-marriage and believe people should do everything they can to make it work but the fact your H was/is having an affair while you're pregnant with his child is a MAJOR red flag for the future and he would have to do SIGNIFICANT on-going amount of work throughout the rest of your relationship.
I am not sure at the moment whether I want to be back together again. I know it feels comfortable and it is an easier option, but I see this whole experience as a chance to reflect and restart. Looking back, there were fundamental issues I overlooked in the relationship (i.e; lack of communication and transparency, a lot of sweeping issues under the rug, lying and cheating - on his end- ) that shouldn't be a part of a healthy happy relationship. Maybe the reason why this had to happen is so that I could break free from things that have actually held me down from being truly happy.
Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by AnnKay
I think H has to manage his depression first. This may very well include much more than IC.
Agreed.
In this case, the road is still quite long. From previous experience it seems that every time H relapses, the longer it takes for him to recover. I think I just have to get over my potential guilt for not taking him back while he's depressed.
No need to take him back just because he's depressed. I think he would be a bad bet at this point. (I say this having forgiven my ex's infidelity right before our marriage, and a later infidelity 15 years later, only to have hm leave when he was approaching 50. They seldom change!)
Thanks for sharing this. I am sorry that happened to you. It must be so hard to do to forgive and be betrayed again. What made you forgive his infidelity the second time?
Originally Posted by kml
That being said, if you want to give him motivation to pull out of his nosedive, think about what it would take to reconcile? I'd say - a year of living apart, therapy for him, mental health treatment for him, zero contact with other women, THEN maybe you would consider dating him. But divorce and financial settlement in the meantime (you could always get married again if the need arose).
I think I will consider these conditions and they will be reasonable when the time comes for me to even begin to consider serious relationships again. At the moment I can only see H as someone who should be helping out with son and baby.
Originally Posted by kml
Odds are good he's just having a fight with the OW, or is between OWs, and won't even pursue it with you.
This is so true. Your words really does resonate with my suspicion. It is likely that is what happened, although I do think there is genuine guilt and regret, but these do not justify the impact of what he did.
I've had several discussions with H and I decided he can come and live in the spare room in the apartment, at least for the time being. I told him that him coming back to live with us doesn't mean that we are back together and he agreed that he will only be there to help out with son and pre-baby stuff. My son initially had a strong reaction by telling H to go away, but I think he is used to it now. I know at face value it looks like a bad decision, but financially and practically it is challenging for him (and us) to get his own place, but ideally this is what I prefer. I thought as well that it might be easier to have him around to help me before and just after the birth. I also have a gut feeling that it will be ok. I know I don't want to pursue anything with him. I am lucky that the apartment is quite big and we have the space to mostly keep away from each other.
What made you forgive his infidelity the second time?
I had 3 kids aged 10-15 and felt like I was doing it for them and me. I found this site and DB’d the heck out of my marriage. We actually had several good years after. But years later my kids told me they were always anxious, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m not sure I did them any favors.
Since my divorce I’ve learned my ex was a narcissist. And many things that I naively ignored I now see were probably other flirtations at least, if not outright affairs.
One example, from years before his second affair: we were casual friends with his surf buddy and his wife. One day we were invited to their house for dinner, and the husband was showing me his paintings in the garage. Days later, he calls me to inform me that while we were out there, my H made a pass at his wife.
I was in such denial! I believed everything my H told me and made up a few excuses of my own! She wasn’t his type, he was just a misunderstood overly friendly extrovert, the husband was a jealous Latin type .. OMG, so embarrassing now! Now I’m sure he DID make some pass at her. And there’s a long list of other things that I question now.
I think, once they have stepped outside the marriage once. For many cheaters, that door is always open a bit. It is always a possibility in their minds.
Ugh - I understand the financial difficulties of two households, but I sure wouldn’t want him to give up his apartment yet. Can you get him to keep it for at least another month until you see how this works out?
How are you going to feel about him living with you, when you’re hearing his phone calls with OW or some new OW he’s lining up?
Btw - what has he told you about OWs status? Did she break up with him? Did she move away to get away from him, or was she expecting him to move with her? Did he cheat on her too? I’d sure want to gauge how likely he is to swing back to her before letting him in my home.
Plus - do you want to put your son through re-attaching and then separating again? Or are you considering this move as a way to ensure that your son is safe with H? So you don’t have to worry about him being alone with H? If so, what’s your endpoint? What will you do if H refusss go move out again in the future?
What is your financial plan for the future? Have you discussed with an attorney what you might get in support if you divorced?
Also - Will having H there make it awkward for friends and family to come help? Do you really want to be responsible for managing his depression while dealing with a newborn? I’m worried he will be more trouble than he’s worth, which is why I argue for him keeping his own place for the first month until you see how this goes.
I do think it was a little quick to have him move back in. Especially if he is still going to be involved with the OW. Please remember that you should not be engaging in sexual activity with him until 100% sure without a shred of a doubt that he is BOTH not involved with OW any longer AND that he is disease free. Yes this means he must go get tested for STDs. Again, another requirement.
I get that living a part is expensive. However, I have seen a lot of situations on here and I can universally say that decisions in these situations based on money rarely, if ever, work out. Do not make decisions based on money. Do what is best for you, your son and your unborn child.
Personally, I would have liked for you to give it some time so you could be sure the A was over. This is why we suggest running big decisions by the board BEFORE making them to get different perspectives. LBSs,and LBWs in particular, are a little too quick to take a cheating spouse back just because he says the right things. There is one poster on here that continues to struggle because she puts her WAHs words over his actions. And even some of his less important actions over the big actions, like the fact that he lives with another woman. Learn from the mistakes of others!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yes - tell him you’re not planning on sleeping with him but he needs to get tested for STDs. If he doesn’t do that - and show you the actual results! - you know he’s just using your apartment for his convenience.
