Sorry Mom is stirring up such emotions within you. It does appear her ability to be emotionally supportive is rather limited. It’s ok, lots of folks haven’t had opportunity or guidance on how to increase their emotional quotient. And I agree with you, her own misery does hamper things.
Originally Posted by Elbereth
I'm trying to have boundaries. But every time I bring up how something makes me feel I am told that I'm the one that shouldn't be feeling the way I do. I just find myself not wanting any support from my family because they demand explanations and it just leaves me feeling terrible. Is it even possible to have a loving relationship with family members that will not respect any boundaries I try to put up?
I think it’s more invalidation and non listening to your feelings that is occurring than defiance of boundaries.
Boundaries. Let’s discuss.
Boundaries are for you. They are to protect you from unwanted harmful events or words that will damage you emotionally. Physical harm also has boundaries, and restraining orders, and so on; I’m not suggesting any physical abuse, just illustrating the breadth of boundaries is all.
Anyhow, boundaries are (usually) clearly stated, and then need to be adhered too. They are not a tool to directly modify someone else’s behaviour. They are a predetermined manner for you to exit unwanted harmful situations before you get all anxious and stressed and such.
To have good boundaries, stop trying to have boundaries, and have boundaries. Do, or do not, there is no try.
It boils down to your control. You only control your thoughts, actions, and reactions. You cannot and do not control your family’s words or actions. So what to do?
Originally Posted by Elbereth
how can you have an adult conversation about it if the other person won’t engage that way?
If the other person will not validate nor acknowledge your feelings - stop confiding and bringing up your feelings with them. I get it, you want to be able to reach out, however if they won’t empathize or validate, there is little support and you end up frustrated and hurt.
If someone attacks your emotional state, says you should feel something else, etc, when you didn’t even bring it up - employ a boundary. State the action or words that are harmful, how said action or words hurts, and what you will do when it occurs. For example:
Mom, when you tell me how someday I’ll meet a great guy and I’ll be happy again, it makes me feel sad and stressed. It really hurts to be told my happiness is tied to meeting a new guy. I can be happy on my own. Therefore, when you bring up me meeting a new guy I will end our phone call. I love you Mom, but I need to do this for my own health.
That is a bit more wordy than usual. However, it is your Mom, and I’m attempting a softer sell. I suspect you can see it has more explaining and reasoning than it might if it was for someone else.
Hopefully the example/suggestion helps. Feel free to modify, shorten, or discard as you see fit.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
