Thank you SteveLW and kml for your inputs. I will just order the books to read through on my maternity leave along with all the other books on acceptance, divorce, as well as some Family Law books to prepare myself. I understand that I need to lift the focus away from H and onto the baby helps heaps! I am nesting slowly but surely and since last week have only relied on myself and my friends to get baby stuff. My cousins and some of my friends have agreed to share time to take care of my son and help me out at home. I just need to work out the schedules with them.
Another (predictable) update; H came by the apartment to take care son yesterday and said he wants to come back. He said he misses me and wants to be a family again. My initial thought was 's**t! I was already happy with how things are going, and now he has to f*** it up again.' I had to rush to go to my friend's when he said that and I really didn't know what to say to him. I didn't really respond to him aside from "we will talk about this when I get back."
I am not sure what his actual reasoning is, but I guess the fact that he is depressed plays a part. I have been staying at a friend's during the weekends, so I didn't have to deal with him. This afternoon, however, I have to come back home, so I will need to face him then. I'm not sure exactly what I am going to say to him when I return. I don't want to give merit to his request nor am I ready to just get over this and pretend nothing ever happened. I also know his depression has the tendency of making him suicidal, so I would prefer that whatever I say don't make him jump off the balcony (and we live on 17th floor, so this is a real risk).
H told me one morning when he picked up son that he is depressed and feels so down he finds it hard to even get out of bed.
H: "I'm very depressed and find it hard to get out of bed." You: "That most be very difficult."
Originally Posted by AnnKay
I hope I'm not being mean for thinking he got what he deserved.
I doubt there's a LBS here who didn't wish karma on their WS at one point.
Originally Posted by AnnKay
I told him that he looks depressed and needs to go back to his doctor.
I wouldn't engage here. He's decided that's not your responsibility anymore. Don't tell him what to do.
Originally Posted by AnnKay
Again, I know I am still technically his wife, but is it bad to think I cannot do anything about this?
No.
Originally Posted by AnnKay
I told him I'm sorry that he is depressed and I could see that he was.
OK.
Originally Posted by AnnKay
I even went as far as telling him to go to our normal GP clinic and seeing the mental health specialist there, but I feel like it is not my responsibility anymore.
It's not. And don't tell him what to do.
Originally Posted by AnnKay
It's not my fault he left and became depressed when his AP and life is not what he imagined it to be.
Correct. It's certainly not.
Originally Posted by AnnKay
I know either way, H (I'm sure his AP too) will blame me for putting pressure with the pregnancy and having to take care of my son as the cause of his depression.
That's speculation. Try to focus on yourself and your children instead of what H and AP think and feel.
Originally Posted by AnnKay
One of my friends even told me to ignore him, that it is for his AP to take care of and he should be whining to her instead.
Your friend is right.
Originally Posted by AnnKay
I am completely happy with things being how they are at the moment, but I'm not sure if I should worry about his depression now, especially when it comes to him being depressed around my son.
If you legitimately think it's an issue of safety for your son then consider action, but not if it's jumping in to save H from himself.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
My suggestion would be to find books about how you move forward. Leave the psychology of STBXH behind.
Agreed. Good advice.
Originally Posted by AnnKay
My cousins and some of my friends have agreed to share time to take care of my son and help me out at home. I just need to work out the schedules with them.
Excellent. Glad you have support. A newborn and a toddler are tough enough for two parents. Lean on them for help!
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Another (predictable) update; H came by the apartment to take care son yesterday and said he wants to come back. He said he misses me and wants to be a family again. My initial thought was 's**t! I was already happy with how things are going, and now he has to f*** it up again.' I had to rush to go to my friend's when he said that and I really didn't know what to say to him. I didn't really respond to him aside from "we will talk about this when I get back."
I am not sure what his actual reasoning is, but I guess the fact that he is depressed plays a part. I have been staying at a friend's during the weekends, so I didn't have to deal with him. This afternoon, however, I have to come back home, so I will need to face him then. I'm not sure exactly what I am going to say to him when I return. I don't want to give merit to his request nor am I ready to just get over this and pretend nothing ever happened. I also know his depression has the tendency of making him suicidal, so I would prefer that whatever I say don't make him jump off the balcony (and we live on 17th floor, so this is a real risk).
Wow, that's a big update. I think you did the right thing saying "we will talk about this when I get back." This forum has a lot of examples of false recons and WAS/WSs jumping back and forth. I'm sure a lot of folks will remind you to make him earn it, if you even choose to entertain the idea.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Wow, that's a big update. I think you did the right thing saying "we will talk about this when I get back." This forum has a lot of examples of false recons and WAS/WSs jumping back and forth. I'm sure a lot of folks will remind you to make him earn it, if you even choose to entertain the idea.
Thanks, BL42. I wonder if there is a specific Forum on this that I could look into. I'm not holding on to his words. He came back before and within months he's back with OW, I'm assuming he will do the same at the moment.
AK, I think you are very wise to tread lightly here. A lot of WASs, once they feel they are losing the LBS (usually because the LBS accepts the separation and D) will "talk" about Ring, coming back, etc. So the key is for you to figure out what R looks like to you! Have parameters, do not let him waltz right back.
- IC for him. - Continue IC for you. - Once he is in IC and things are going in the right direction MC for you both.
I am also a big proponent of a no contact letter to the AP, that you read and approve of before he sends it. And full transparency from him for now. That means you know where he is at all times (there are phone apps that can help with this). His phone is unlocked 24/7 (or you know the passcode). You know the PWs to all of his account, email, social media, etc.
The way you test how serious he is, is by putting obstacles in his way to return. WAS that REALLY want to come back will go over an obstacle to do so. LBS that fear putting requirements in place because it might make the WAS not come back are thinking about Ring and piecing all wrong. Too easy a path back will set you up for another future BD.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
AK, I think you are very wise to tread lightly here. A lot of WASs, once they feel they are losing the LBS (usually because the LBS accepts the separation and D) will "talk" about Ring, coming back, etc. So the key is for you to figure out what R looks like to you! Have parameters, do not let him waltz right back.
- IC for him. - Continue IC for you. - Once he is in IC and things are going in the right direction MC for you both.
I am also a big proponent of a no contact letter to the AP, that you read and approve of before he sends it. And full transparency from him for now. That means you know where he is at all times (there are phone apps that can help with this). His phone is unlocked 24/7 (or you know the passcode). You know the PWs to all of his account, email, social media, etc.
The way you test how serious he is, is by putting obstacles in his way to return. WAS that REALLY want to come back will go over an obstacle to do so. LBS that fear putting requirements in place because it might make the WAS not come back are thinking about Ring and piecing all wrong. Too easy a path back will set you up for another future BD.
Thanks Steve for this. I think I am not in this mindset yet. I have acted and went along with life as if he was never coming back and I am pretty comfortable with it. I am pretty sure I know what I want in a R, and it was not how my MR was. I am not even sure if I want my H back anymore. I will continue IC, and I think H has to manage his depression first. This may very well include much more than IC. Aside from this, I will continue GALing. I'm not sure whether this is a bad idea, but I'm sure this is what will keep me sane at the moment.
GAL is always a good idea! I am 4 years into Ring and piecing and I continue to GAL! Spouses with lives are much more attractive than those that have no life.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
AK, I think you are very wise to tread lightly here. A lot of WASs, once they feel they are losing the LBS (usually because the LBS accepts the separation and D) will "talk" about Ring, coming back, etc. So the key is for you to figure out what R looks like to you! Have parameters, do not let him waltz right back.
- IC for him. - Continue IC for you. - Once he is in IC and things are going in the right direction MC for you both.
I am also a big proponent of a no contact letter to the AP, that you read and approve of before he sends it. And full transparency from him for now. That means you know where he is at all times (there are phone apps that can help with this). His phone is unlocked 24/7 (or you know the passcode). You know the PWs to all of his account, email, social media, etc.
The way you test how serious he is, is by putting obstacles in his way to return. WAS that REALLY want to come back will go over an obstacle to do so. LBS that fear putting requirements in place because it might make the WAS not come back are thinking about Ring and piecing all wrong. Too easy a path back will set you up for another future BD.
I agree w/everything SteveLW say above. It's great advice.
In addition, you should give some serious consideration as to if he really is serious whether you actually want to allow him back or not. I'm pro-marriage and believe people should do everything they can to make it work but the fact your H was/is having an affair while you're pregnant with his child is a MAJOR red flag for the future and he would have to do SIGNIFICANT on-going amount of work throughout the rest of your relationship.
Originally Posted by AnnKay
I have acted and went along with life as if he was never coming back and I am pretty comfortable with it.
That's good. You know you'll be alright either way, which is ideal.
Originally Posted by AnnKay
I am pretty sure I know what I want in a R, and it was not how my MR was.
Good. You deserve more than a partner who's having an affair while you're pregnant with his baby. That's the bare minimum requirement for a healthy relationship.
Originally Posted by AnnKay
I am not even sure if I want my H back anymore.
That's a valid question. You should really ponder it, if H is really serious (which is a big IF).
Originally Posted by AnnKay
I will continue IC
Good.
Originally Posted by AnnKay
I think H has to manage his depression first. This may very well include much more than IC.
Agreed.
Originally Posted by AnnKay
Aside from this, I will continue GALing. I'm not sure whether this is a bad idea, but I'm sure this is what will keep me sane at the moment.
It's a great idea. GAL'ing is about going out, having fun, enjoying life. Why would that be bad?
Last edited by BL42; 05/02/2203:12 PM.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
No need to take him back just because he's depressed. I think he would be a bad bet at this point. (I say this having forgiven my ex's infidelity right before our marriage, and a later infidelity 15 years later, only to have hm leave when he was approaching 50. They seldom change!)
That being said, if you want to give him motivation to pull out of his nosedive, think about what it would take to reconcile? I'd say - a year of living apart, therapy for him, mental health treatment for him, zero contact with other women, THEN maybe you would consider dating him. But divorce and financial settlement in the meantime (you could always get married again if the need arose).
Don't worry - he's not likely to do all that. But having clear boundaries about what it would take for you to even consider it is good.
Odds are good he's just having a fight with the OW, or is between OWs, and won't even pursue it with you.
This affair wasn't a temporary lapse due to depression, btw. It was a major character defect.
