Ok, saw some more replies. Just so I understand josh, long-term do you want 50% custody?
Yes, and by default in Australia, that is the case. Custody is different to where they live, and child support factors that in. No concerns there.
L is tomorrow, no worries there. I've already compiled all the financial infos I need.
I don't know, I'll think about it is a great response that I'm not used to. She can emotionally ambush, so I need to learn that more.
Thinking it over, deep down I do want to get her back, despite knowing there is so much I need from her. Stalling the sale, avoiding telling the kids, fits with that. Again, I shouldn't speculate, but deep down I wonder if she is doing the same, having doubts, and cooling off. Or we are both so co-dependent, and deluding ourselves.
Thanks, the issue is short term, I agree long term. I will miss out on a lot of time with D2, so where I was heading was that until we have permanent places. Meaning 6 months or so. At that point, when we have our own places, it's strict.
Hi Josh,
Be wary of accepting less than 50/50 custody. Custody can be challenging. In my experience, those who don't prioritize 50/50 custody short-term don't prioritize it long-term.
"Dropping by" is not sustainable. Phone calls or video calls are. My S2 wasn't up for conversations at that age, but he loved when I sang the alphabet or planet song to him!
Originally Posted by Josh_T
I told her no emotional conversations, no longer appropriate.
Just be sure you're not being controlling by telling her what to do or what's appropriate for her to do.
If you don't wish to engage in a particular conversation, it's fine not to.
Josh it’s been clear since day one that you are extremely co-dependent. Are you an IC trying to fix it? IHS is very difficult and my concern is that you can’t control your emotions and will make matters worse.
I can 100% promise you that she has zero doubts right now and on the miracle she stayed out of fear she would make your life absolutely miserable.
Yes, and by default in Australia, that is the case. Custody is different to where they live, and child support factors that in. No concerns there.
I’m sorry, but that’s not the case. In Australia, the default is “equal parental responsibility.” That does NOT translate into equal care time. They are two very different things. This is why you need to see a lawyer, because you don’t actually know a lot of this stuff. Generally, the only way in Australia you end up with 50:50 care time is if the woman agrees to it. If she doesn’t (which is very often so she can control money), then the court is very unlikely to order equal care time. The family law court in Australia is very hesitant to order equal time unless the parents are both getting along really well (and if you were getting along very well, you wouldn’t be in court in the first place).
I think your assumption that you will get 50% care time is very naive.
Also, have just re-read your last 10-15 posts. All I can read is ”she she she, her her her”. You are focusing way too much on her, what she thinks, what she says, what she does, what you think she might be thinking. It’s exhausting. Your posts should be all about you. What you are doing, what your GAL activities are, how you’re keeping fit/eating well, how your IC is going, what you’re working on, and what you want to achieve for you in the next week/month/year/5 years.
Be wary of accepting less than 50/50 custody. Custody can be challenging. In my experience, those who don't prioritize 50/50 custody short-term don't prioritize it long-term.
"Dropping by" is not sustainable. Phone calls or video calls are. My S2 wasn't up for conversations at that age, but he loved when I sang the alphabet or planet song to him!
I agree, and how I see it, is when we move out, but haven't established permanent homes, there won't be space for a proper arrangement. I said as such, that when the time comes, it's a strict handover. I should elaborate, "dropping by" would be agreeing on mornings/evenings when I participate in D2 routines, S1/D1 would have dedicated times away with me, and POSSIBLY, one family dinner a week at hers. I stated clearly to her that if it's my time, she can't ring and expect we can meet up for something like going to the beach with family.
Originally Posted by Traveler
Originally Posted by Josh_T
I told her no emotional conversations, no longer appropriate.
Just be sure you're not being controlling by telling her what to do or what's appropriate for her to do.
If you don't wish to engage in a particular conversation, it's fine not to.
I just told her exactly in the words I said. I didn't think it was controlling, but if I could have handled it better, I mean I guess I could said something when she's in an emotional state and state I don't want to engage in this conversation.
Originally Posted by LH19
Josh it’s been clear since day one that you are extremely co-dependent. Are you an IC trying to fix it? IHS is very difficult and my concern is that you can’t control your emotions and will make matters worse.
I am for sure attending IC. Except for a year break last year, it's been pretty regular. The focus recently to explore if there was childhood trauma (no), and to look at self-esteem. The switch now is to be co-dependency, the impact of BD, and my contribution to it. Co-dependency did come up in the last couples counselling before BD, and it was an eye opener.
Originally Posted by LH19
I can 100% promise you that she has zero doubts right now and on the miracle she stayed out of fear she would make your life absolutely miserable.
How can you be so sure? This is a W who is impulsive and regularly changes her mind. She has certainly got recent courage thanks to her IC. She's delaying telling parents and is making a lot of comments about when later to tell the kids. She has stopped her emotional focus on house cleaning and I can see she's ruminating on the impact to D1.
Justin I’ve been on this board a long time. She’s done with the marriage. Again she may stay for other reasons like children, fear etc but it will be temporary and she will make your life absolutely miserable. Play the long game and wait it out and see what happens.
Thank you, I'll I used the wrong terminology, yeah, I logistically can't do 50/50 time, but responsibility is 50/50. Moneywise, we've done very well together. Any changes in CSA doesn't impact me at all. Providing for our kids 50/50 is not an issue. So custody will be with her, and then agreed visits. When the time comes
I see L tomorrow, talk of kids is also on the agenda.
I'm seeing IC in an hour, and yeah, Im having a hard time to let go and focusing on her way too much.
ATM, GAL is long walks, gym, about to do some cooking lessons. Now the house is on hold, I can play guitar again. I've also reached out to friends I've not chatted in a while, and this week I have late night work events which involves socialising. And I love just maintaining my pool.
What I realise is that I've done a poor job of keeping all but one friend close. I want to change that.
I accept that i might be emotionally delaying the inevitable, but I really cherish more the times with them, and I'm more involved than ever.
I see L tomorrow, talk of kids is also on the agenda.
That’s great! I’m curious, why can’t you have 50/50 time?
Also, the tone from some posters may be harsh but I promise you they all really want to help.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
When you first came back I said I thought you had one shot at this to change it around by acting like you couldn’t wait to get divorced. After some time I realized with your attachment issues this wouldn’t be possible. I think you even tried to sell yourself on the idea. Right now the longer this goes on the weaker your position is going to be because you are going to try to pretzel yourself in the process. So Mumins right I can be very honest and blunt but what I tell you is based on hundreds of these situations playing out.
Thank you, I'll I used the wrong terminology, yeah, I logistically can't do 50/50 time, but responsibility is 50/50. Moneywise, we've done very well together. Any changes in CSA doesn't impact me at all. Providing for our kids 50/50 is not an issue. So custody will be with her, and then agreed visits. When the time comes
I might be wrong, but I’m still concerned you don’t understand how this works in Australia.
The “equal parental responsibility” in Australian family law doesn’t mean [censored]. It’s supposed to mean both parents have equal weighting in decisions about things like health, vaccination, education, religion etc. It’s a mythical ideal, but since it’s introduction, divorced men in Australia on average are getting less time with their kids than before.
Child support is paid on actual care time. So if you two have the default “equal parental responsibility” but she has the kids most of the time and you get maybe 1 or 2 nights a week, you may have a big child support bill. You essentially pay for the nights that she has the kids. It takes both incomes and care time split into account. Even if she earns significantly more than you, you may have to still pay to her if she has significantly more care.
Unless you do a binding child care support agreement (which any lawyer is going to tell her not to), you aren’t protected if she just says we won’t bother with child support or we’ll split everything 50:50. In a year or two if lawyers get involved/she gets pissed off/she gets a new partner, you’ll suddenly get a letter from child support saying you must pay xyz monthly. And unless there’s a binding child support agreement to the contrary in place… you will be paying.
I’m guessing what I’m trying to say is that no matter what you both earn and what the conversations are right now, eventually if she has more care time than you - you will most likely be paying - often a very significant amount.
Anyway, all that finance aside… why don’t you want equal time with your children? You know the evidence shows that to be most beneficial for their future success at adults?
In Australia, many enterprise agreements allow you to reduce your work to less than full time when children care orders/agreements are in place - and your employer is obligated to make it work. For example, you could work 0.8 FTE, still earn good money, and have your kids 50% of the time.
