Create the life...

[Elbereth]

Thank you DnJ and BL42. Your messages help me to feel supported and I appreciate that so much. Especially right now during this emotional and stressful time in my life. I am anxious for closure. My emotions are all over the place. I’m doing my best to take time for self care…did some long walks and time with my supportive best friend…and I’ve not put any energy into my move, so that I am not drained any more than I am already.

Yesterday was a very difficult day that added even more stress and anxiety. I was on the phone with my mom for my usual weekend call. Her way of showing sympathy and support is constantly saying things like "I know this is hard but someday you will meet a great guy and he will have a good family and you will be happy again…etc, etc." I've gently told her, even with jokes, that I don't want or need some guy to come save me and that I am trying to find happiness in myself and in my own life first. And that when she speaks of my future, it’s always in reference to some guy instead of all the other things available to me. Yet, she keeps bringing up the "you never know what the future brings and some guy" so today, very calmly, I told her that "mom, I know you love me and are trying to be supportive and want me to be happy, but I get very frustrated when you keep bringing up some guy, like that is what I need or have to have to be happy". Well all hell broke loose. She got all defensive and crying and saying things like "I am not telling you to find a guy, I'm just suggesting that there are other possibilities…etc, etc." and I pointed out that several times now I've said I don't want to keep being told about some guy and you keep doing it and I'm trying to tell you that this isn't helpful for me. It gets me frustrated. I said yes, I hear you that there are possibilities, but you only bring up the guy possibility. She was like fine, “I will never say how I feel again, and we can't just talk, and every time I get off the phone with you I cry, and you just get defensive with everything I am saying and you take everything the wrong way, and, and and”….and “I’m just bringing up possibilities, that is all I am saying, you never know what the future brings”. It got nowhere and she was crying and kept interrupting me every time I tried to talk (I remained calm but her interrupting me had me raising my voice) and it ended with her hanging up on me.

Logically I'm starting to recognize that her own misery in her marriages and life are part of where her head is at. I’ve been the dumping ground for her emotions for most of my life. And I am only realizing now how harmful this has been to my psyche (she feels better I and I feel drained and lousy). But I also realize and know that she loves me deeply and feels guilt or scared or other such feelings in not being able to help me in the ways she'd want to. I'm trying to have boundaries. But every time I bring up how something makes me feel I am told that I'm the one that shouldn't be feeling the way I do. I just find myself not wanting any support from my family because they demand explanations and it just leaves me feeling terrible. Is it even possible to have a loving relationship with family members that will not respect any boundaries I try to put up? I need help in this area obviously, and I sent several messages to my IC yesterday. We will be doing some work on this next week. I have come to realize that in my internal work that I have put other peoples needs, feelings and expectations above my own. I am tired of being told how I should be feeling or having to defend myself when I try to stand up for myself. I am working hard on my boundaries and expressing my needs. I realize that this is new for me and I am still learning the art of doing it in a loving way, but I am trying. And how can you have an adult conversation about it if the other person won’t engage that way? Do any of the ladies out here struggle in this way with their mothers? How have you managed to establish boundaries while maintaining a relationship with your mothers? Mother and daughter relationships are so complicated.

So here I am today, feeling nervous, anxious and all the feelings about my divorce and mediation next week, and now I feel guilt, shame, and other awful feelings because I know my mom is feeling awful. I know they say that other peoples feelings are not our responsibility, but that is hard to let go of when you have been doing it for so long.

El