Need advice: wife of 10 years wants out (2)

[PeterB]

PeterB,

I am analytical on everything, a realist and problem-solving oriented (the last one has led to R conflicts that made no sense to me).

It seems like a disproportionate number of male LBSs here are.

No hope for us it seems

His intervention needs are almost completely handled by me (there is little appreciation of that from my WW because she is in denial about lot of his limitations and potential prognosis).

Did this cause you to feel resentful?

No resentment. But quite a bit of frustration at her not being able to carry out some targeted activities or not being able to do proper observations or misreading his progress or denial of various issues. On hindsight I should not have got frustrated / angry. In the very beginning when I got massive negative feedback and denial from my larger family about his condition, I decided that I will have to be strong and go at it alone. I also didn't expect anyone to be able to do therapy at my level or develop the same level of understanding of issues around autism. In the first month from the night I suspected something is wrong, I probably slept avg 3 hours per night, reading all I could. During the day I would call providers and manage the special-needs red-tape (told my manager I wont be working) and made systematic notes on where he is at and what he needs. It became an obsession and doubts started creeping in that I am failing him and I need to do more (20 months later an IC told me to self-appreciate my own efforts regardless of where he is at and that method was a revelation to me). It would be foolish of me to expect others to do this or build resentment if they don't.

She is a rockstar at her work and she is compensated accordingly. Deservedly, gets validated again and again. I was super proud of that.

Did you communicate your pride effectively? Did she feel respected and valued in regards to her career & contributions?

Did I communicate my pride properly - probably no. I am a person who is uncomfortable with receiving too much praise so on the flip side I would not tell her that I am singing about her work successes and great responsibilities to my colleagues and friends. But I did enough in that she knows well how happy I am for her. I would also regularly talk to her about her work and try to help and advice wherever possible. She has never expressed dissatisfaction about not feeling valued in terms of her career or not being supported.

In the last year she did mention several times to me that now she earns as much as me and even mentioned that to my father (which he found rather odd).

Do you think she may have felt the need to justify her self worth and financial contributions?

I don't know. She might have but it would not / should not be because of me. She knows that I keep my parents informed about her successes and even her compensation and she also knows that they were proud of her career. She always had a goal that one day she will do really well and she will earn a lot of money. She is on a road towards that goal so I wonder if she validates herself by saying it. Anyway, none of this bothered me then or now.

Taking the example of my family, I had always considered my earned money to be hers as well, but the reverse was not remotely true. She has been clear that her earned income is her own money only. A source of conflict was she that she would frequently complain about spending too much for the household (the specifics of these complaints are too ugly for me to retain in my head).

Did your W have freedom to handle money or did she feel under a microscope & controlled financially?

She had the freedom from my pov. I never asked her about her personal expenses. Neither of us have expensive taste. Would she love an expensive designer bag? - of course. But she does not crave such a bag or an expensive car etc. I used to be tight on spending so that may have indirectly caused hesitation within her - she never expressed it to me but during BD she did say she hesitated to spend money.

At some point last year, this type of complaint gave me so much anxiety that I created a spreadsheet which showed that I spend 2.5 times as much as her per month on the household (without counting my paycheck expenses like family health insurance and other family benefits). She went quiet when confronted with numbers, but she repeated the same complaint after a few days as if the spreadsheet never happened.

How do you think showing her that spreadsheet made her feel?

Didn't show her the spreadsheet. I had to tabulate to give me a sense of real numbers because I started coming down with anxiety every time she complained about spending too much money and in the process turning a good experiences into bad. Then I told her the numbers. It was a damp squib. She went quiet, didn't ask me for any details and moved the conversation to something else.

Btw, my income is twice as much as her because I have a significant variable component in my compensation. She registers that.

Did you point out to her your income is higher and your contributions are higher? If so, how do you think that made her feel? And, do you think that may have been a factor in her telling you and your dad she now earns as much as you?

Never brought up my compensation with her under any circumstances in the past or in the present. She has been the one who brings it up, and even then it never led to negative situations. I am a totally non-competitive person btw - I do my best but never compete. My IC had asked me to change that urgently and recognize the reality of competition in day-to-day life.

PeterB - Is it possible she may have felt not good enough or appreciated enough on the career/earning/financial contributions as you did on the caring for your special needs child?

She has not pitted the value of her financial contributions to my time spent my son. But yes, she did feel neglected overall because of time spent on my son and my depression affected her too.

Notice I'm asking "How did that make her feel?" a lot. Us analytical people can tend to think of everything logically like a math equation but can struggle empathizing feelings and providing emotional support. Your W wants to feel loved and respected and appreciated. Not saying that's the full story here, but based on the latest posts an area for you to consider working on moving forward.

These are good points. Will have to speak to an IC regarding this.