Create the life...

[DnJ]

Good Morning El

Apparently I didn’t press post. Lol. I’ll append to my musing from days ago.

It just hard I guess to realize that you can invest so much of yourself into your work and marriage and in the end, it just gets tossed aside. And you are left feeling like it was all such a waste of time.

It certainly does feel like such.

Consider this: Yes you did invest of yourself into your work and marriage. However, you really invested into yourself. Everything of your past has brought you to this point. That is not a waste.

Allowing the temporary feelings to recede and finding conviction in you and your life takes time.

I find I struggle to put my feelings into words. And when I try, I feel like I'm defending myself and not understood...not here...but with people who know me. My brother stopped by and I got all sweaty and upset talking to him.

Oh yes. It is difficult to convey, especially to those who haven’t walked in similar shoes.

I honestly struggle to manage others expectations of me right now, when I am struggling to just keep moving forward. Today I felt measured against how another friend is doing who lost her husband to sickness. I felt judged for continuing to struggle. I felt dismissed when I expressed feeling overwhelmed with having to move and go through divorce (and quitting my job) in the same month. I know my family wants to help. But I dread discussing things with them. Suggestions feel like invalidation or pressure.

I do empathize my friend. Depression is difficult. And most people do not understand nor have experienced similar and end up providing more sympathy than empathy.

I also bought a book on boundaries and I keep trying to be better about those. But instead I just feel more pressure and guilt when I establish my needs or my boundaries. Is this normal? Has this happened to any of you? How do you keep enough closeness to allow your family to feel they are supporting you, but having enough boundaries to protect the parts you don’t want to share or to avoid areas of judgement?

Yes your feelings are normal. Establishing clearer boundaries and needs is kind of new for you (and most of us). That change brings self doubt which brings about pressure and guilt as well. All normal emotions and reactions; which will pass.

I was just talking to a friend about how it seems we withdraw from people during these times. I shared my view - think of it as less withdrawing and more re-drawing your circle of those close to you. There is an alignment happening within you. Boundaries, convictions, values, etc - all being tested, and strengthened. Have faith, you are doing fine.

I want to grow, I want to become a better person, and I never want to fall in love with someone who is bad for me again.

It’s probably going to be hard to believe this right now - STXH wasn’t a bad thing. Sure it hurts, he did terrible things, and betrayed you; and you will become (and are) a better person for it. Growth, true sincere deep growth is always painful and a struggle. (((Hug)))

I see that I went into my marriage full of hope, joy, love and loyalty. I see that I showed up and tried to work through issues, even if I didn’t always do it the right way. I tried with the tools I had. Even though many of you on here have expressed this to me as well, it is really starting to sink in. And that is healing.

Good for you.

I need help. I’m really struggling today. I met with lawyer and we prepped for mediation. I feel so anxious and overwhelmed by this process. I want to feel like I can trust my lawyer but I can’t help feeling freaked out and mentally agitated. It’s like I feel like I’m not sure I can think straight through the process. How do I know if I feel good about the plan he has if I can’t think straight? My emotions are all over the place.

Breathe.

Feeling anxious and overwhelmed is a very understandable response to your pending divorce / mediation. There is lots a stake. There are lots of unanswered questions. There are lots of possibilities. Breathe, let the future unfold as it will.

You and your L have prepared well. Now you need to see what the other side comes to the table with.

“I want to feel like I can trust my lawyer but I can’t help feeling freaked out and mentally agitated.” You can trust your lawyer. Do not tie your freaked out feelings to your L. Those emotions are from worry about the unknown future. Uncouple your worry from your faith in your lawyer.

“How do I know if I feel good about the plan he has if I can’t think straight? My emotions are all over the place.” You don’t need to feel good about the plan. In fact I’d be surprised if you did feel good about divorcing. Of course you feel bad and guilty and anxious and worried and so on. Keep it business. Keep this in the intellectual realm. Look at it logically and (as best you can) dispassionately.

I don’t trust my H and how do I know that what we are discussing is fact? My lawyer thinks that a deep discovery process would only blow a lot money, and I believe that makes sense as we were not the types who had a lot of money to begin with. But on the other hand, what is a good result/deal if you are not sure you are looking at the complete picture? Or how do you know what is a good deal and better than dragging it out? For someone who looks at details and logic, the ambiguity of it all is killing me.

True, don’t trust your H.

A deep discovery is likely to just blow a lot of money and find little. As you said, “we were not the types who had a lot of money to begin with”. You know or have a pretty good idea of how much you and H were financially worth; it’s not like he is hiding millions of dollars.

As for the complete picture, and a good result / deal. What is a good result? Or a fair result? How close to a complete picture do you need?

I get it. A 100% picture would be nice. I suspect you have somewhere around 98% completeness. Lawyers are pretty good at their job. H will likely hide something, which probably in the end will amount to not much more than change in his pocket. Small price to pay for a speedy and not dragged out resolution.

Living with some ambiguity is one of those growing experiences I was referring to earlier. I also like (liked ? Well, getting there. Lol) to know all the facts so I get where you’re coming from.

I realize that I can enter this mediation and not settle. But if it appears that my H, from the information we have which is actually pretty limited, is offering a very fair settlement, and I don’t take it on this first mediation, do I risk turning this into some nightmare fight because I’m emotionally not capable of processing all of this in my current state? Will my emotional weakness right now make things worse for me? Financially and emotionally?

True, you do not have to sign anything that day. You can postpone.

“do I risk turning this into some nightmare fight because I’m emotionally not capable of processing all of this in my current state?” Keep emotions out of it. Stick to business. Emotions will make this worse for you. Hence why you have a lawyer.

I messaged my IC and told her that I really need someone to be there with me to be the brain like you have when you bring someone else to the doctor when you have a bad diagnosis…because there is no way for you to process what you are being told. But I won’t have anyone. It’s just me. And my lawyer.

You have someone. Your L. They are there for you and your interests. And they have legal expertise.

And I also think that even though I know in my mind that I don’t want my H back and the marriage was not worth saving, I can’t help but feel emotional at the finality of it all. I recognize that I still love him, but I also recognize that the person I still love is probably not even real. Maybe I’m in love with the memory or the person I thought he was, but it feels so raw right now. It hurts so much.

Remember, this is two paths. The business side and the emotional side. The emotional side is bleeding into the business dealings.

Let’s you and I set aside the mediation for a bit and walk the emotional path.

Yes, there is an emotional finality to all of this. The loss, the grief, your loss, your grief, is nearing acceptance. Depression is a needed landscape to get through. Just as much as denial, anger, and bargaining.

At this point you realize - emotional realize as intellectually you realized long ago - you realize things are lost. Bargaining has run its course. You tried / bargained various emotional things in an attempt to somehow remain how it was. And now, the finality sets in. And of course depression occurs.

Like all the other stages of your path, this will pass. Each being temporary. Each a step towards acceptance.

An interesting note, acceptance doesn’t have that finality feeling about it. One accepts and embraces their life and future. And in doing so, let’s go their loss and the pain surrounding it. It’s a journey and doesn’t happen suddenly. Rather a slow change grows within and one day you just realize where you are and how far you’ve come.

It’s ok to love H. Or the man he was. I still love J. Or the gal she used to be I suppose. Don’t sweat it. That’s a noble trait, IMHO. Loyalty and faithfulness. Keep you heart soft and squishy. You will live and love again.

I’ve not been able to cry much in a long while, but right now I’m struggling not to hold back my emotions. I’m balling. I want to embrace that this time has come and that getting all of this finalized will be good for me to move forward. But at the same time I am stuck dwelling on his lies and if I should have ended up with more money and if that really even matters if I end up with ‘enough’. I logically realize that regardless of the actual dollars, I’ve been dealt a bad deal. I wish I had never met him.

Take some time to cry. It’s ok. Let the cleansing tears flow.

Yes getting this complete will be good for you. And yes, you were dealt a bad deal. If I may, turn that on its head. Do not wish you’d never met him. For this is the crucible from which the best version of you is to emerge.

A bad deal, a bad hand, can be played and can still win. We discover the game, our life, is far more vast than this current fleeting moment. And there are many many more hands to be dealt - unless we leave the table.

For what it’s worth, this bad hand, someday you will regard it as a golden opportunity. Personally, I believe you already do see that; just understandably struggling a bit is all.

And I’m petrified I will not be able to handle this. And I feel awful, because I am so alone. I have no one I can call on to help me with this. I am feeling so alone…and I am so frustrated that I’ve become so isolated and how I’ve ended up here.

Dear El, you will handle this. I empathize with the pain you are in, and the loneliness you feel. (((Hugs)))

You are a strong gal. You’ve got a sharp mind and a good heart. And you will be great! Honest.

D