You couldn’t detach and avoid arguments because you chose not too detach and avoid arguments. Josh you are all over the board right now and not being able to control your emotions is making things worse. Your HW for the next year should be to understand attraction and what women want from a man.
So part of you says you need to back off. All of you should say you need to back off. She is done and she will probably done for a really long time. Whether she ever changes her mind depends on how her journey unfolds and whether you change as a person.
Also you need to read up on boundaries because you still don’t quite understand them.
Thanks. Yeah, refraining from interaction is downright impossible. I just came back from a movie, and W wanted to dump on me how bad her evening was with her parents. I felt pity and wanted to hug her. But I refrained, validated, and made a cup of tea. She decided to invite them and her cousins for dinner, knowing full well what had happened today and that I wasn't going to be around. Luckily, did didn't tryvmanipulation on me for not being around to support her. I made it clear I'll be in limited family contact. One has to wonder if she was more upset at the fact that it's unusual for me no not be around her family.
If it wasn't for my little one, I would have moved out if W didn't.
Anyhow, I still might do that anyway. So if there is an apartment near by.
Don’t move out. That’s a weak move… You want to be making power moves. Plus, most lawyers and vets on this site recommend against it.
If you can’t be in the house together any longer (which I don’t think you should be, given the risk of emotion driven interactions) - then ask her to leave. VIA EMAIL. AFTER CHECKING WITH YOUR LAWYER.
“I don’t think in-house-separation is working. While I don’t agree with anyone walking away from marriage, I respect your decision to end this relationship and therefore think you should find alternative accommodation while we wade through the process of selling the house.”
She’s going to throw her toys out of the pram, but then you’ve spent your whole marriage making decisions based on fear, and how well has that worked out so far?
She won’t say this directly, but for once she’ll respect the sh*t out of you.
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She even insinuated I was hiding money
Classic WW/WAW. In her own head, she needs to make herself feel better about what she’s doing by fabricating blame against you.
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I find it odd Slshe's not willing to put in the effort on settlement and not willing to see a lawyer.
Of course not! She needs a backup plan in case things don’t work out, so she doesn’t want to burn her bridges. Keeping you in her back pocket as plan B. This is also why she said to you “I can see us being together in a few years after we have divorced.” Monkey branching 101.
I agree with Kind. Moving out saves you some headache, but it isn't a respect commanding move. There will be a time when one of you moves out, but nothing to be gained by it right now. You handled her well, just keep doing that. The better you get at it the less stressful it will be.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yes, get that lawyer! I understand wanting to sell now because of the market, but you need to have in place an agreement about what happens to that money once you do. Otherwise you might split it 50:50 and then find that some of that money should have been used to even other things out, but it’s already been spent.
Sorry to hear your emotions got the best of you. I agree your messages sounded highly abrasive. You should not be telling her what to do or “making her understand” anything.
If you want an easy, cheap divorce you need to reign in the emotionality. Delay any decisions until you’ve had a day to calm down, run it by others, and run it by your lawyer if it involves custody or finances. If you’re doing this by email as ReeadyToChange advised or on signed papers like I did, any agreements are clear and easy to point to.
If you can’t do that, you may need to pay a little more than I did and get a mediator like your wife advised. No shame in that. It’s common. They can slow you down and filter your messages for a fee. They will be clear about any agreements, contracts made.
Don’t move out unless advised by your attorney. It can affect custody and asset division.
Yeah, it feels tense, co-parenting in the same house is hard to db. And as you can see, I still have work to stop the speculation. I'm too concerned about the emotional state of others.
This morning, when I put my coffee in the microwave, she rushed out of her room in tears. I couldn't help but hug and say it's OK. She attempted to push me away by saving something about you need to do meditation, but I said, no that can wait. She went into a lot about not sleeping, feeling sick, and stressed. I validated quite well. The talk turned to our future. I made some things clear about what I want, even to the point of suggesting I found a great apartment in a different suburb, and it would be great for the kids. She made no attempt to argue. Then she had this fantasy of living in the same building, different units. I said maybe. She then was like, and if the kids are over at your place, and the cousins are nearby, we could go as a family. I said no, my time will be my time. Then it was cooking as a family every Wednesday as a family, we could all go to Thailand again... Then the kicker, and you can help with IT, I'll need IT support.
We did agree to take the move out slower, for the kids. And we agreed on next short term steos to minimise impact to the kids.
Oh, in between all this, evey evil thing I did in the marriage, how she didn't want to be mean and leave me at various points, and then she said "I need to separate so I don't get cancer. You are making me fat." I bit my tongue, and just said makes sense, took a lot of courage to do this, you can't keep feeling this way.
What sort of life is this fantasy? I'm all for keeping the family unit as possible, but this is like, I can go have fun no strings, keep him close, I'll ring when I need him. Moving on is what I need. I've stopped attending all family gatherings, so W will have to explain at some point.
I'm supporting the move, cheerfully participating in cleanup and packing.
Did I forget the "I love you, but not in love with you?" speech?
We're rational today with the house sale. I'm keeping my promise of supporting, so I'm cleaning up the house. In my off time, I'm playing with my daughter and scanning real estate listings for short term rentals, and what to buy long term.
