I'm Back after 1st DB (2)

[BL42]

Josh_T,

Uh, I just finished an email to her on the very topic of schedule!

You should post here first.

Oops, too late.

Wow, she hated that email.

Read that progression. As LH recommends, get feedback here before formal communications.

What is the DB view on family of WW? I'm close, even on a few whatsapp chats. I plan to not visit any more, and droo from the chats. I don't think WW has mentioned anything to the family. Seems the right thing to do for detachment.

You'll most likely lose, or at least have a significantly diminished, relationship with her family through this process. Family is family, and no matter what she does they'll "side" with her so to speak. It's probably best for your own frame of mind if you detach from them a bit as well. Not sure you have to leave the group chats completely yet, maybe it's you just tail off on engaging there.

Does WW plan to tell them soon?

Here is my proposed sms response. Thoughts?

Sat, I want to be with the kids all day, you can continue your dance classes. No, to Sunday. We're no longer a nuclear family.

Drop the "we're not longer a nuclear family". Even if true, that's abrasive. Don't suggest to her what to do with her time (dance classes).

What about: "I'd like the kids on Saturday and you can have Sunday in exchange. Does that work?"

Stormed into my room and tried to say we didn't agree to separate days.

Did you? IHS is tough on arguing and detachment. When you're physically separated you won't have to worry about her barging into your room.

I said everything changed the minute you made your decision.

This may be true, but it sounds like it's coming out of hurt and pain and seems a bit vindictive. You should drop these type of comments and think validation.

She was happy I wasn't resisting the process, but pissed that it wasn't on her terms.

Too bad so sad for her. Things aren't always going to be on her terms going forward.

She said I couldn't do it because we didn't tell the kids. I said we can do it so it isn't as obvious, and said we tell the kids once we agree on the narrative.

What is your plan to tell the kids? Is it going to be soon? What do you plan to say? I cringe a bit when I hear "agree on the narrative" because A) it's not some lie to be crafted, you should tell the truth imo (albeit without any salacious details), and B) there are a bunch of stories here including my own where the WAS/WS went ahead and told the kids unilaterally despite agreeing to do it together.

Suddenly she says we need a mediator because we are arguing. Which we are not, she is simply upset that her way isn't followed.

You're not arguing? It sounds like you are.

I felt I handled it well, except I didn't end the conversation on my terms. She now gets my point on boundaries.

Seems like there's room for improvement.

I find it odd Slshe's not willing to put in the effort on settlement and not willing to see a lawyer. Makes sense, she knows best.

Good for you. Cross your fingers you do consult an L and she doesn't. That can only favor you.

Parenting plan will be a nightmare because she has this fantasy I'll be living close. I don't think I have the finances to do that.

You're in pain now and I get the emotions but you have young kids and for quite a long time will need to put what's best for them first.

Anyhow, when I purposely focus on detachment, I can't believe how much of my life revolved around others and their reactions. She is going to scream murder that anything I do differently won't be for the kids. But its my life now. And given her attitude, mediation and L seems to be my future.

Get into Zen mode. Filter out any static you get from her and focus on the business items (kids & finances). Consult an L so you understand your rights.