Need advice: wife of 10 years wants out (2)

[BL42]

PeterB,

I am analytical on everything, a realist and problem-solving oriented (the last one has led to R conflicts that made no sense to me).

It seems like a disproportionate number of male LBSs here are.

His intervention needs are almost completely handled by me (there is little appreciation of that from my WW because she is in denial about lot of his limitations and potential prognosis).

Did this cause you to feel resentful?

She is a rockstar at her work and she is compensated accordingly. Deservedly, gets validated again and again. I was super proud of that.

Did you communicate your pride effectively? Did she feel respected and valued in regards to her career & contributions?

In the last year she did mention several times to me that now she earns as much as me and even mentioned that to my father (which he found rather odd).

Do you think she may have felt the need to justify her self worth and financial contributions?

Taking the example of my family, I had always considered my earned money to be hers as well, but the reverse was not remotely true. She has been clear that her earned income is her own money only. A source of conflict was she that she would frequently complain about spending too much for the household (the specifics of these complaints are too ugly for me to retain in my head).

Did your W have freedom to handle money or did she feel under a microscope & controlled financially?

At some point last year, this type of complaint gave me so much anxiety that I created a spreadsheet which showed that I spend 2.5 times as much as her per month on the household (without counting my paycheck expenses like family health insurance and other family benefits). She went quiet when confronted with numbers, but she repeated the same complaint after a few days as if the spreadsheet never happened.

How do you think showing her that spreadsheet made her feel?

Btw, my income is twice as much as her because I have a significant variable component in my compensation. She registers that.

Did you point out to her your income is higher and your contributions are higher? If so, how do you think that made her feel? And, do you think that may have been a factor in her telling you and your dad she now earns as much as you?

PeterB - Is it possible she may have felt not good enough or appreciated enough on the career/earning/financial contributions as you did on the caring for your special needs child?

Notice I'm asking "How did that make her feel?" a lot. Us analytical people can tend to think of everything logically like a math equation but can struggle empathizing feelings and providing emotional support. Your W wants to feel loved and respected and appreciated. Not saying that's the full story here, but based on the latest posts an area for you to consider working on moving forward.