Create the life...

[Elbereth]

I need help. I’m really struggling today. I met with lawyer and we prepped for mediation. I feel so anxious and overwhelmed by this process. I want to feel like I can trust my lawyer but I can’t help feeling freaked out and mentally agitated. It’s like I feel like I’m not sure I can think straight through the process. How do I know if I feel good about the plan he has if I can’t think straight? My emotions are all over the place.

I don’t trust my H and how do I know that what we are discussing is fact? My lawyer thinks that a deep discovery process would only blow a lot money, and I believe that makes sense as we were not the types who had a lot of money to begin with. But on the other hand, what is a good result/deal if you are not sure you are looking at the complete picture? Or how do you know what is a good deal and better than dragging it out? For someone who looks at details and logic, the ambiguity of it all is killing me.

And I also think that even though I know in my mind that I don’t want my H back and the marriage was not worth saving, I can’t help but feel emotional at the finality of it all. I recognize that I still love him, but I also recognize that the person I still love is probably not even real. Maybe I’m in love with the memory or the person I thought he was, but it feels so raw right now. It hurts so much.

I’ve not been able to cry much in a long while, but right now I’m struggling not to hold back my emotions. I’m balling. I want to embrace that this time has come and that getting all of this finalized will be good for me to move forward. But at the same time I am stuck dwelling on his lies and if I should have ended up with more money and if that really even matters if I end up with ‘enough’. I logically realize that regardless of the actual dollars, I’ve been dealt a bad deal. I wish I had never met him.

I realize that I can enter this mediation and not settle. But if it appears that my H, from the information we have which is actually pretty limited, is offering a very fair settlement, and I don’t take it on this first mediation, do I risk turning this into some nightmare fight because I’m emotionally not capable of processing all of this in my current state? Will my emotional weakness right now make things worse for me? Financially and emotionally?

I’m in a panic. I swear I am having an anxiety attack and the mediation isn’t even until next week. What is wrong with me? How do I get through this? I messaged my IC and told her that I really need someone to be there with me to be the brain like you have when you bring someone else to the doctor when you have a bad diagnosis…because there is no way for you to process what you are being told. But I won’t have anyone. It’s just me. And my lawyer. And I’m petrified I will not be able to handle this. And I feel awful, because I am so alone. I have no one I can call on to help me with this. I am feeling so alone…and I am so frustrated that I’ve become so isolated and how I’ve ended up here.