L.O.S (Loss Of Signal)

[Jimbo]

I would see what I thought were crumbs of attention and interest from her after she moved out and into her own apartment including one coffee date where she complained about how alone and lonely she was. Shortly after that though it became apparent that she preferred OM and I just had enough and told her that I was done waiting for her to make up her mind and that the divorce process needed to be started (which took another 6 months)

This seems to be what I call the "Short Circuit"...somewhere deep down they KNOW that what they're telling themselves about the LBS is just a convenient lie that they can't come to terms with, but can blame their unhappiness on. But they keep forgetting the lie and coming back. Bouncing back and forth between us and the OM until eventually they prefer the OM over us, and the contact stops. All because the OM is an escape- a diversion to continue to ignore the work that they need to do in themselves. Ignoring it just as they always have all their lives. Which is the exact reason they're going through what they're going through now.

There was a funny episode a few years ago when a girlfriend moved in for a short while of her lurking across the street in the garden centre. She's living less than 10 minutes away, we obviously still know people in common so if she was curious about my life she could be well informed.

Her "spies" are everywhere! And if she can't spy, she recruits others to do it for her. A lot of the time, they don't even know that this is her sole purpose for her connection with them. When they no longer serve her purposes, she drops them just as quickly. MLCers are incapable of having healthy, normal relationships unless/until they finally wake up. This is also why they usually have losers as their OM: the losers are desperate for ANYBODY in their orbit. So much so, that they will put up with all the $#!+ that the MLCer dishes out, where nobody else would. And of course, along the way, the impressionable MLCer picks up loser ideas from the losers in their lives....

One thing that I believe to be the case, especially if there's not a significant gap between relationships that people expect a new partner to be a version of their old one. One woman I dated for a short while even tried to get me to start dressing like her ex.

I agree completely. You see this in rebound relationships a lot. Also a pretty good indicator that it's not gonna last.

We did have a pretty good thing going here. I do know that she would regularly compare me to friend's husbands and one thing she was always proud of being that if anything ever needed fixing that it got taken care of right away. Her life was mostly about her though and I was a useful incidental appliance that paid the bills, cut the grass and made sure stuff got done. I treated her well I like to think and she would make sure we held hands when we were out together and that every day started and ended with a kiss. I opened doors, held chairs for her all that sort of stuff that I just figured was normal and she certainly expected.

Did you always feel like the useful appliance/walking cash dispenser, or was this a later aspect of your R?

Whether she compares OM to me or not is anyone's guess. From what I gather he's also a pretty quiet guy but with less broad interests. When I was in full detective mode the only things I could pick up were that he liked the local hockey team and occasionally went out golfing. His former wife - who passed from cancer shortly before he got involved with mine - went on one big trip shortly before she died that I don't think he went on.

I have pretty broad interests, enjoy going to museums, parks, art galleries, craft shows etc. A very wide taste in the arts, well informed on politics and the economy. I like to putter and build things.

She's undoubtedly missing the tropical vacations we used to go on, the ability to buy a new car as soon as she needed one yadda yadda. Missing me? No clue. I know on my side that after all this time I don't miss her as a person. The person she is now is someone I don't even know. And I've been doing for myself for so long now that I know that I would have no expectation of anyone new filling her shoes here. She and her shoes are both long gone.

What is it with these OM and hockey??? I don't really follow sport at all. I have most of the same interests you listed. (Used to own my own watch and clock repair shop in a previous iteration of myself). Sport just seems like a big time waster to me. My XW didn't follow them either. That is until the OM, who was a big fan of the Pittsburgh Penguins. I only found that out when I made an incorrect statement about hockey and she took great glee in correcting me! I guess sports fit the bill if you're the kind of person who's looking for yet ANOTHER diversion to engage in...

Yeah, I have no expectation of anyone new filling my XWs shoes, either. Before all of this, she was a critical part of my life, and I would absolutely DIE if we ever parted ways.

And I did. (Figuratively, of course.)

And then I engaged in learning about me. Doing the work. G'ing A L outside my role as a H.

Tackling personal and very literal life threatening challenges.

And the priority of my XW eventually migrated from an "absolutely must have", to a "nice to have".

Whether or not she returns, I'm good. If it works out, fantastic. If not, short of God Almighty Himself dropping another bride in my lap, I'm "one and done".

That is undoubtedly true in many aspects. People, especially when they are going through difficult times will cling to and try to mirror others. I would add though that it my own personal theory that in cases at least like mine that they are finally dropping the mask and becoming the person that they always were and had been trying to suppress.

With respect to your theory, I also would have to add that, when it comes to MLCers, they put on the mask to pretend that they are the person that they always were and are trying to express to the world to convince both the world and themselves that "Everything's great". I had the chance to meet Mach1's XW in full MLC mode (I think I may have also mentioned this event in my threads). It was the first (and last) time I had ever seen her. She had such a facade up that it was transparent to everybody EXCEPT her that she was wearing an "Everything's great" mask- all smiles....until she turned away and the mask dropped before she turned her back to me.

My xW when I met her was a big boobed party girl who then shifted into being a wife and Mom. With the kids grown and gone there was less need to keep that mask up. I'd always had worries about her flirtatious manner and one day I suppose she crossed a line.

With apologies in advance...No offense is meant. There's a saying in the MGTOW movement: "You can't turn a whore into a housewife". I guess it's a more crass way of saying that you can't change anybody's true nature. But I think the psychology in your case may run much deeper than this simplified explanation. She was a good wife and mom to the kids long enough for them to grow up and move out, yes? Then things went off the rails for her. She went into MLC. This would have happened whether she was with you, or with somebody else, or all alone. MLCers tend to revert to the thoughts, attitudes, interests and activities of their younger days as an escape. What was your big boobed party girl doing in her younger days? Whatever it was, it has probably gone into overdrive. It's all about that all important diversion from her problems, and avoidance of addressing them. Which only works for so long, before something has to break....