Need advice: wife of 10 years wants out (2)

[PeterB]

A little bit about me - I almost always speak elaborately when talking to anyone on just about anything. I use lot of words and long sentences. I have the ability to think deeply on pretty much anything and do that very fast - it could be a matter of technology or a human situation. I have pretty low EQ. I am analytical on everything, a realist and problem-solving oriented (the last one has led to R conflicts that made no sense to me). These are deep character traits, which often leads to overthinking.

Peter - have you ever considered that you might be on the spectrum?

I have considered that soon after my son was diagnosed. I am quite confident I am not on the spectrum. This opinion is through self-analysis, not a professional opinion, but I have to mention that I now have a professional level of competency at observation, therapy and diagnosis (gained through hard work and validated by my son's professional interventionists). I will consider getting a real professional opinion though.

You might consider seeing a therapist just for you, to figure this out. Even if you don't end up saving your marriage, knowledge could help you in future relationships.

Regardless of whether I am on the spectrum or not, this will help for the future so I can discuss problem behaviors and situations. I certainly intend to get on a regular schedule but right now I find myself satisfied by my GAL efforts, ongoing handling of situations at home and of course, participating on this forum (this forum brings a value in my sitch that no IC can provide).

You mention that your son has special needs, and that you work with him a lot. Pardon me if I've missed this information in your last thread, but does W work outside the home? I think you referenced having a home office, so do you work from home? Is that allowing you to be the primary parent with your son?

Both of us work from home. Both of us go to office a few times a month. We share parenting responsibilities. His intervention needs are almost completely handled by me (there is little appreciation of that from my WW because she is in denial about lot of his limitations and potential prognosis). She is the primary for one particular intervention, but I do the planning and teaching for that (to her, nanny, and grandparents when they are around).

If she works outside the home and you get more time with son - well, it is a sad and sexist thing but I have often seen here that working wives don't respect their stay at home dad spouses. On some level, they want to be home with their child while their husband is off bringing home the money. I'm not saying it's fair, or right, and it's definitely sexist. But even when the woman chooses her career, resentment can build.

She is a rockstar at her work and she is compensated accordingly. Deservedly, gets validated again and again. I was super proud of that. During conflicts I wanted her to bring her management skills and poise from work to the home, but it never happened. In the last year she did mention several times to me that now she earns as much as me and even mentioned that to my father (which he found rather odd). Taking the example of my family, I had always considered my earned money to be hers as well, but the reverse was not remotely true. She has been clear that her earned income is her own money only. A source of conflict was she that she would frequently complain about spending too much for the household (the specifics of these complaints are too ugly for me to retain in my head). At some point last year, this type of complaint gave me so much anxiety that I created a spreadsheet which showed that I spend 2.5 times as much as her per month on the household (without counting my paycheck expenses like family health insurance and other family benefits). She went quiet when confronted with numbers, but she repeated the same complaint after a few days as if the spreadsheet never happened. The complaint continued regularly btw . Btw, my income is twice as much as her because I have a significant variable component in my compensation. She registers that. But now after she became WW, I am doubtful as to what her attitude would be if she really made more or equal to me.

If you divorce, what do you need in order to be able to continue putting in the time with your son's treatment? Sounds like you're doing a fantastic job.

This is a major worry for me. If I lose time with him, the most important implication is losing out on observation time, and an inability to get proper feedback from the times he spends with her. Regular observation is the key to plan and fine tune his interventions. Not able to observe during infrequent leisure travel is okay. But it is not okay if I don't get accurate feedback, or I am only able to observe 50% of the time. Post BD I've realized that she appears to have convinced herself he is going to be okay in the long-term because according to her he is making amazing progress that will get him there.

(Bear in mind, also, that having a child with a serious illness is a HUGE risk factor for a divorce. Some partners just can't handle the pain, or want to escape the difficulties of daily life with a handicapped child, or handle the grief differently than their partners. You likely are the "I'm gonna dive in and fix this" type, and she may have wanted more acknowledgement of her sadness or pain over your child's condition. Or she may just want to spend time with affair partner where she doesn't think about the pain associated with your child's condition. )

The divorce statistics for ASD parents is quite grim. That shows how much selfishness there is in this world. Our own conflicts regarding special needs parenting has nothing to do with her needing acknowledgement of sadness. Her mindset is quite the opposite and I have been happy that she handles the fact of his condition well. But it is me who does all the observations and interventions and so I am faced with seeing the brunt of his limitations, which can have a depressive effect. Now the conflict here is that I am unable to share my observations and thoughts with her without her putting me down in many ways, one being that I am so clinical (I am not but as advised by his pediatric psychologist, observation and therapy are now built into my being and they cannot be turned off). Any worry I have about a potential long term disadvantage is handled by her in difficult ways - either stonewall me or put me down. I don't recall ever feeling supported or that she has my back on his therapy needs.